Christmas cards. I have grown to hate them! But not because of the season, or what they represent, but because of the shear amount of time I put in to the blasted things this year!

If you're one of the lucky few that received a Christmas card from me this season, you may have noticed that the message was printed on the card instead of written. Now I must admit, I find the note typed on paper and placed in the card rather impersonal, so I figured I'd actually print the message in the card itself. For multiple reasons actually. One, it is now a legible note. Two, I can type way faster than I can write. Three, I can say actually what I want to say and then make sure I didn't spell anything wrong or screw up the grammar. And four, I just thought it would be a neat thing to try with my new OpenOffice 3.0 Suite on my Linux OS. However you're wondering why I didn't sign the thing, well read on my friend.

A few weeks I went out the local Hallmark at the Logan Valley Mall to buy my Christmas cards. Later the next week I measured the cards for width and height and built a nice little template in Writer (comparable to Word for you Microsoft junkies) and started typing away. I had ten letters typed out in about 1.5 hours, which by writing would have taken probably about 2.0 hours, but they would have had way more errors in them. So my next job was to print them all out. I stuck the card in the printer, clicked the print button and watched the card get sucked into the printer like a wet noodle in the mouth of a child. Suddenly I got the message on my printer that read, "PAPER TOO SMALL." I tried it again. Same message. Now I had printed out items much smaller than this before. So I stuck in a full letter size paper and clicked print again. It worked flawlessly. Like the stupid stubborn-head I can be, I stuffed the card back in the printer and hit print again. Again, to my surprise (why I was surprised is still a mystery) the printer told me, "PAPER TOO SMALL." Now keep in mind, when I'm in Linux and printing, typically my printer locks up every print attempt and I have to reboot it and wait two minutes for the darn thing to load up.

So my next step was to make my Writer template a little smaller. I took off half an inch from the template, stuck my card back in, and got the same result. I stuck the letter size paper in, and it printed. So I took off another half inch, and clicked print. Suddenly ink started to flow! Oh the excitement I felt! For I only wasted another hour getting to this point. But wouldn't you know it, when the card was ejected, the printer had inserted an extra inch of margin forcing my note into the crease of the card. The words, "why I outta" came to mind along with a mental image of my fist shaking feverishly at the laughing printer. I stuck in another letter sized paper. It printed, but with the extra inch of margin. Now at this point I should have just accepted my losses, printed the notes on regular paper, cut them out, and stuck them in the card. But no, I was determined! I decided the night was spent and was determined to print the blasted cards the next evening.

Now it's the next night. I decided I'd attack this thing form a different side. I logged into my Google Docs account and attempted to print a card from there. I spent about an hour just trying to figure out how to design something 4.5" x 10.25" in size. Ultimately I gave up on that angle. My faith in Linux was gone. I booted into my Microsoft Windows Vista environment where my printer never locks up! And since my original files were in OpenOffice format I had to download and install OpenOffice 3.0 for my Windows environment or else, well there was no else, I am too cheap to pay for Microsoft Office. So I installed the app, opened my file, clicked print, and guess what the printer told me. "PAPER TOO SMALL."Oooh I was hot! But still, I was determined.

I opened my print settings and and suddenly realized how absent minded I was. Of course the paper was too small! The printer was set for a paper letter size! So I set out to change the paper size to the proper setting. Wouldn't you know it, I could not for the life of me figure out how to set up a custom paper size. I'm a frickin ' Computer Engineer for crying out loud! I could build a computer from integrated circuits (a pretty slow and basic one at that, but still) if I so chose to! So I searched thru what seemed like 100+ paper sizes and found one that was closest to my card. With mental fingers crossed, I opened the document, inserted the card in the printer, clicked print, selected the close-matching paper size and clicked print once again. The printer started. And finally, 5+ hours (accumulated time) after I started my Christmas card writing, I was printing text on the cards! The text still wasn't where I wanted it position-wise, but I was willing to accept that.

Now as if things couldn't get worse, they do. Usually I print addresses on sticky labels and then stick those on the envelopes. Can you tell? I REALLY despise writing things by hand. It is so inefficient.Anywho , I spent some time updating addresses and whatnot and got my template prepared for printing. Now my label template in done in Word on my laptop which I know will not fail me thanks to years of doing this. However, I had to get this right on the first print because I only had one sheet of labels left. If I screwed up, I was hand writing addresses or going to the store to buy new labels (even less efficient). So I set my my addresses up in an order of most efficiency and saved label space and clicked print. I watched the labels get sucked into the printer when suddenly I realized, I needed to print JUST page 4, not all of the pages! Suddenly the words, "Son of a . . . " came to mind with a mental image of me shooting myself in the head. I watched shamefully as the label page was tossed out of the printed filled with the incorrect addresses as expected. Then, glass-eyed I watched as the remaining 3 pages (that were not label paper) were tossed out with the final page having my addresses on them. Again I was defeated.

So once again I shamefully took my cards out when I got home that evening and started handwriting all the addresses on the envelopes. I joylessly stuffed the cards in their envelopes, licked the disgusting glue and piled them in the center of the table. It was my stack of shame. I failed my Christmas card efficiency process. But if only this was the end of my story.

Earlier today I was recapping this story in it's entirety to a colleague at work when suddenly, mid-story, I realized that in my frustration and disappointment when addressing my envelopes I completely and utterly forgot to sign the cards. But it was too late. The cards were in the mailbox with the flag up, over 40 miles away. Truly, shamefully, opprobriously a failed life moment. I could barely finish my story to my colleague I was so distraught and disgraced at this realization.

So to those of you who received a typed, unsigned Christmas card from me, I apologize. If you'd like, you can write "return to sender," on the envelope, place it back in the mail and I will sign it, put new postage on it and resend it. Or, if you'd prefer you can just sign it in my place. Again I truly apologize for this Christmas card catastrophe and hope that you won't hold it against me. For those of you that read this and didn't get a Christmas card from me, well consider yourself fortunate and have a merry Christmas anyway.

It’s been made obvious to us that Christmas is just around the corner thanks to Christmas at Rockefeller on NBC, Christmas TV specials, tons of holiday shopping sales, cold weather and the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show special. Also noteworthy is all the Christmas music on the radio (both FM and satellite alike) right now. Some stations are already playing all Christmas music, all the time, which is just a little extreme if you ask me. I did find a great FM station the other day when I was in Pittsburgh that was playing a 50/50 mix; one song from today, one Christmas song; repeat until Dec 26th. I thought that was a great idea. Not overdoing it, yet still being able to appreciate the season.

But I’m rambling here. We all know the best Christmas music EVER is from our own homemade, custom Christmas Mix CDs. Some people prefer the good old traditional stuff (i.e. Perry Como, Mormon Tabernacle Choir, etc) while others like more contemporary tunes and artists. Myself being a more contemporary Christmas listener, I decided to put together a Christmas mix list that I thought was so extraordinary it deserved to be posted for all the world to see. Of course all the world doesn’t read this blog, so it will most likely only be known to you select few that have no life and read the crap that I type. You know this is the most awesome mix ever! Don't be a hata (pronounced h8-ah). Feel free to copy my mix to your own CD, but make sure to give credit where credit is due . . .

Captain Jimmy’s Christmas Mix CD 2008

Track 1 - Bryan Adams - Christmas Time
Track 2 - Carrie Underwood - Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Track 3 - Celine Dion - The Christmas Song
Track 4 - Dave Matthews Band - A Christmas Song
Track 5 - Faith Hill - Where Are You Christmas
Track 6 - Jars Of Clay - Little Drummer Boy
Track 7 - Jimmy Eat World - Last Christmas
Track 8 - Jose Feliciano - Feliz Navidad
Track 9 - Josh Groban - O Holy Night
Track 10 - Kelly Clarkson - My Grown Up Christmas List
Track 11 - KT Tunstall - Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)
Track 12 - Mariah Carey - All I Want For Christmas Is You
Track 13 - MercyMe - Silent Night
Track 14 - Neil Diamond - You Make It Feel Like Christmas
Track 15 - NewSong - Christmas Shoes
Track 16 - Sarah McLachlan - Happy Xmas (War Is Over)
Track 17 - Third Day - O' Come All Ye Faithful
Track 18 - Trans Siberian Orchestra - Christmas Eve/Sarajevo 12/24
Track 19 - Whitney Houston - Do You Hear What I Hear

With the Christmas of 2007 just around the corner, I'm sure you've been getting Christmas cards in the mail like nobody's business! Unless of course you have crappy friends that don't give Christmas cards, all your friends are single guys, and your entire family is dead. For you to be reading this post and all three of those assumptions be true; well I find that hard to believe. Mainly because you wouldn't read this blog if you had crappy and single guy friends and no family. It just wouldn't be funny. So let's get back to my topic of point here. Christmas cards.

My first gripe about Christmas cards this year is that it seems like glitter is slapped on cards like ugly is slapped on Rosie O'Donnell face! I can't even search thru my local Hallmark selection without getting glitter everywhere! Don't me get wrong, I think glitter is very festive and can be quite glamorous, but frankly I only like those features on cards and women. I don't want to look glamorous after finding the perfect card for The Mom to make her sob until the cows come home, just because there was glitter on the front of the card and then I got an inch on my face. Not cool! It is apparently mandatory too for all Grandmother cards to have some form of glitter, whether it be pink, blue, green, or ugly. And that stuff does NOT come off the fingers (except on your face)!

My second gripe is paying for postage. Most people within the age of the first 7 prime numbers (by the way, 1 is NOT prime) probably don't even realize that real mail works because you pay for it. In today's world of emails and IMs you don't pay a cent (except of course for your internet connection) for the message you send. You can even send e-Christmas-cards for free! And they sing and dance! Of course there isn't a grandma around that wouldn't love to see a dancing elf and pooping reindeer in motion on her Christmas card. Unfortunately Grandma needs a computer and internet connection to view that cute little scene. So in the snail mail world we are left with glitter and cheesy, high pitched, obnoxious sound clips of Jingle Bells and Santa Baby (which is entirely inappropriate for Grandma you sickos!). Now to make matters worse we like to send big cards that require "extra postage." At least that's what it says on the envelope. But with the Forever Stamp now, how does one apply extra postage without going to the Post Office? Can one stick two Forever Stamps on a card? Does that even mean anything other than, "Look at me, I'm a giant idiot!?" Is just one Forever Stamp good for "extra postage?" What I do know is this, two $0.41 stamps is NOT enough for extra postage. How do I know this? Well The Dad got me a very nice Christmas card this year, that was "big" and required extra postage. To my surprise, there was a written note on the envelope next to the two $0.41 stamps that read, "Requires extra $0.15!" Does that mean I owe the Post Office $0.15? What a fantastic Christmas surprise! "Merry Christmas Boy! You now owe the Post Office $0.15!" I think I may stick with e-cards next year. Merry Christmas indeed!

Luck smiles upon me one night a year apparently; at the The Workplace Christmas Party. If you recall last year, I took home the grand prize after trading tags with Mr. Horseshoe-Up-His-A** himself. Well apparently we didn't just exchange tags that year, but it was indeed Luck. You'll never believe it, but I won the grand prize once again at this year's party! Last year's gift was a TV with built in DVD and VHS player. This year's gift was a 19 inch, LCD HDTV with built in DVD player. It's funny because I probably have only used last year's gift a maximum of 5 times since then. Of course when my Christmas tag was called I thrust my arms in the air and rode an invisible horse all the way past the tables of people and to the podium. Okay, so the riding the horse part isn't true but I did feel sort of bad winning the grad prize two years in a row. People were slightly irritated as well I think, which, honestly I would be too if I were in their shoes. Luckily and ironically I am not. Although Luck's brilliant shine was extremely short lived because I caught every single red light from the time I left the party until the time I got home. Who the flip gets stuck at a red light for 2 minutes at 1AM in the morning? Your's Truly that's who.

People are frustrated out the whazoo this Christmas season because they can’t find a Wii in any store. They search online, they search in the mall. They ask their friends and other family members and have half the people they know ready to buy one if they would ever come across one. I know you’ve had your ups and downs. After searching for hours online you come across a link that reads, “Nintendo Wii’s in Stock!” Wide eyed and excitingly tense you click the phrase only to be disappointed with either a broken link, or a page that reads the now disgusted idiom, “Out of Stock.”

You’ve been to Circuit City, Walmart, Best Buy, K-Mart, Toys R Us, Sears, Sam’s Club, and not just in your city, but in all other neighboring cities as well. You even checked that little no-named electronic store around the corner that reeks of wet dog and cigarettes that you said you’d never ever walk into after that time the “swanky” cashier with five teeth hit on you and you lost your left show in a loose wooden floor joint. Any and every place you go, nothing.

Sure you can get the deal where you pay over $600 and get 6 games of your choice, but if you’re going to front that sort of money, you might as well buy a PS3 and if you’re going to buy a PS3 you might as well not bother because it’s just a glorified Blu-Ray disc player. All you want is the low budget, basic unit: One controller and nunchuck, one Wii, and Wii Sports.

If you’ve only gone as far as the last two tactics you’re never going to get one! Here’s some useful information to help you a little more. You need more contacts! And ones at the stores at that. While I did hear that Circuit City employees are no longer able to purchase Wiis, it helps if you know someone working in these stores that can buy one for you as soon as they come in. Because the Wiis were never NOT in demand since last November, stores have been completely unable to stock any in their warehouses, leaving Christmas shelves completely void of the video game console and its peripherals. Leaving you, Mrs (or Mr) Irritated Christmas Shopper more high and dry than a nerd on prom night.

Now, Nintendo Wiis are only shipped via UPS. So don’t waste your time waiting for the Best Buy or Walmart truck to come around. It won’t have any Wiis. This brings me to my next contact; make friends with as many UPS truck drivers as possible! Word is the drivers have been checking their inventory looking specifically for Wiis and when they find them, they call their friends to have them meet them at the store. Call your local stores and find out when Mr. UPS makes his weekly or daily deliveries. If you don’t get them off the truck, you don’t get them period! Stalk your local retailers. Make a schedule as to when deliveries come each day and how many units the store is expecting. Make the stores with the highest unit counts top priority and visit your stores on a daily basis if possible. Forget work because what is really really important is that you get your kids (or parents) a Wii for Christmas.

Finally be willing to pay! You can find Wiis on eBay no problem but they are selling for over $500! My suggestion is this. If you really want a Wii before Christmas for little Tommy, buy off eBay to guarantee your Wii and then continue to look in your local stores until you find one (either before or after Christmas) and then sell it on eBay to recoup your losses. While Nintendo has increased production from 1 million to 1.8 million units a month, the company is still unable to keep up to demand. And unfortunately your best bet at finding a Wii in the stores is to just be lucky. If your luck is like mine, you’re better off camping out in the cold when they first come out because in my opinion, you can never rely on Luck! Especially around Christmas. You also can’t rely on the state snow removal trucks to actually plow the roads when it snows. I mean seriously why should the government actually do something beneficial for us?

With the Christmas season being ripe and all right now I thought I’d take a little time and present to you one of my favorite things about Christmas; the Christmas TV specials of course! Now of course a lot of my favorites aren’t really aired anymore, but I still have a VHS tape or two hanging about that has some childhood memories stored away. So without further ado, I present to you, “Captain Jimmy’s All-Time Favorite Christmas TV Specials!”

10. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964) – At the number 10 spot we have the holiday classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. This basically makes my list because I needed a tenth item and it isn’t near as bad as Christmas Comes to Pac-Land (1982) or The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978). It’s a nice memory I suppose but not really too much of a favorite.

9. Frosty the Snowman (1969) – Ahh Frosty! Who doesn’t know that guy?! I always liked the goofy evil magician. Maybe because as I child I delved into the art of prestidigitation, but the whole story just seemed like a nice epic. My favorite quote of the movie: “So I put these 3 eggs into my hat and ‘abracadabra’ to coin a phrase. Hahaha. And we have . . . messy messy messy.”

8. Yes Virginia there is a Santa Claus (1974) – At number 7 is the little known classic Yes Virginia There is a Santa Claus. The viewers of my generation probably have no idea what the crap this is and it’s only because my mom’s name is Virginia and this is her favorite Christmas special that I know of this. In this Technicolor animation, little Virginia is told by her friends that there isn’t a Santa Claus. So to prove them wrong she writes to the editor of the Chicago Sun newspaper for the real answer. I’m sure you can guess what he says based off the name of the special. Definitely a message for adults more so than children.

7. A Charlie Brown Christmas (1965) – Everyone’s favorite Christmas classics made its way to the number 7 spot on my list. Honestly who doesn’t like Charlie Brown and Snoopy besides serial killers and feminist Nazis? And I’m venturing to guess even some of them love A Charlie Brown Christmas!

6. He-Man/She-Ra Christmas Special (1985) – Those that fall in the older-than-20-but-less-than-30 category know about the He-Man/She-Ra Christmas Special, or at least they should. What little boy didn’t look up the sword welding He-Man and what little girl didn’t enjoy the likes of the sexy female warrior She-Ra (the brother of He-Man of course). In this holiday adventure Orko makes his way to Earth on a spy-glider and brings two Earth children back to Eternia where Horde Prime and Skeletor try to ruin Christmas for them. If you remember He-Man this is a must see! Yeah I'll admit it, I'm a giant loser for remembering all the character's names.

5. Twas the Night Before Christmas (1974) – You’ve got to remember the little mice that ruin and save Christmas! Of course this little animation has countless musical sing-a-longs and did I mention talking mice that interact with humans (nothing at all like The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy mice though) and reference Copernicus. What’s not to like?

4. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966) - Dr. Suess was amazing and this holiday classic was a perfect example of his work. Rhymes flowed so seamlessly that I’m sure any child could recite at least a third of the special. I haven’t seen the movie but I doubt Jim Carrey could have done half as good a job as the Doc. This holiday classic is sure to make your heart grow three sizes. And who (pun intended) doesn’t like the song “Fa Who Dor-Eh?” Eh?

3. Ziggy’s Gift (1982) – Kicking off the top 3 is Ziggy’s Gift. Such a simple special but it emphasizes the true meaning of Christmas. Sure to bring a tear to your eye, Ziggy displays to children, policemen, and thieves alike how giving and loving we should, and can all be on Christmas. If you don’t know who Ziggy is, read the Sunday Comics!

2. Christmas Eve on Sesame Street (1978) - I actually just purchased myself a copy of this classic. Every kid watches Sesame Street and while the characters have changed over the years (with Elmo becoming popular and Cookie Monster now eating vegetables so I’m told) the loving spirit of the families, friends and monster that live there have not. Big Bird wrestles with the concept of Santa fitting down the skinny chimneys, Ernie and Bert shadow The Gift of the Magi, and there’s an ice-skating scene where the world was introduce to the song Felice Navidad. Sometimes I miss the good old days of Sesame Street.

1. A Muppets Family Christmas (1987) – Watch that icy patch! Nothing beats A Muppet Family Christmas. This ain’t no Christmas carol! This is a Muppet Christmas spectacular! All the Muppets are here including the Sesame Street gang, and Fraggles (along with Doc and Sproket). In this hilarious extravaganza Fozzie decides to surprise his mom by coming home to the farm for Christmas and brings his Muppet friends with him. The Sesame Street gang shows up caroling while Kermit and his nephew discover some Fraggle tunnels in the house. The Swedish Chef is hilarious as he attempts to cook the Christmas turkey until he discovers the “Ooodie birdie humungo!” aka, Big Bird. Sure to cover all the emotions of Christmas, if you haven’t seen this Christmas special then you really haven’t experienced the Christmas season, or The Captain’s list of favorite Christmas TV specials!