Slap me thrice and call me Slacker! I know I skipped the whole month of May with my extremely talented blogging skills, but let’s face it; I can’t just do what the rest of the world wants me to do. Unless of course I’m getting paid for it, then I don’t mind as much (unless of course it tramples on my moral beliefs which I seriously doubt blogging would do).

So what the crap has been going on the past month? Here’s the quick lo-down. Early in the month I got my hair cut then headed on down to MD for a friend’s party. It was great! We drank; I played Guitar Hero, what could be better? I then went to Rehoboth Beach to play in a volleyball tournament where I completely crapped out (I’ve been seriously considering early retirement), but hey, I got hit on in a bar by a dude. Nice to know if I stopped attracting women (ha! Like that will ever happen) I won’t fair too badly with the other team. Not that I'm planning on switching teams by the way. Then it was off to Buffalo, NY for a few days to work. The weather was nice at least. I had a couple birthdays to celebrate then. Following that, I chilled with my old neighbors (old as in used-to-be neighbors, not old as in old people old) and then rang in Memorial Day with the fam. I closed the month with another hair cut and another friend’s party in MD where I once again drank and played Guitar Hero. Again, it was great!

That my friends was my month of May. Hardly anything to gloat about, but it was probably more fun than say a root canal or child birth. Oh I also had a few thoughts this month as well. Consider this a bonus to this entry! I know, you can wipe that drool off your face now.

• How do one armed folk wash their hand?
• My Garmin GPS (aka Jill) currently knows when the sun is setting. Will she still be accurate come the year 9424?
• Also, if I went back in time to when GPS satellites were first launched would Jill still work? If so I’d impress the crap out of people!
• If the Brits are currently paying more than $8.50 a gallon for fuel, then why would any oil conglomerate think Americans couldn’t afford that?
• Not only can you not drive well when you’re having sex in the car in front of me, but it’s very distracting to me as well.

Twenty seven. I guess that's the magic number this year. Once again I can't say I'm thrilled about my birthday. In fact I'm pretty sure I can say that I would just prefer to not even acknowledge my birthday ever again. But alas this could never be the case. Mainly because The Parents seem almost obsessed with making a big deal about it every year. But since I will be alive for 852,055,200 seconds (using the approximation of 365.25 days in one year), I figure I'd tell you some of the great things that have happened in that time.

Of course one of my biggest achievements is the acquirement of my Wii over a year ago. I camped out, and stood in-line for nearly 8 hours in freezing temperatures with a bunch of rowdy college students. Not really my idea of fun, but the end result was well worth it!

Another fabulous achievement is my graduation from college with a B.S. in Computer Engineering. While I'm sure there are more difficult things to major in, there aren't too many that are more fun. At least in my opinion. I mean honestly how many degrees teach you how to practically build a computer and interface anything you darn well please to it?

Next on this unordered list is my job at The Workplace. Sure sometimes it can be a real pain in my rear, and the politics of it all makes me want to leave at least twice a week. But lets face it, there isn't really a job where this wouldn't be the case. Plus it lets me put my college degree to good use.

Skydiving! Yeah that was awesome. I have a list of things I want to do before I die and this, so far, is the only thing I've been able to cross off. Was it a thrill? Oh you better believe it! Will I ever do it again? Heck yeah! What else do I have on the list? Well that's a completely other list obviously.

My two year Christmas Party luck streak has been a pretty nice achievement I like to think. When people that don't even work at The Workplace hear that someone has won a TV two years in a row at the Christmas Party, well, you know you've accomplished something.

Of course the biggest achievement in my life has been all the amazing relationships I have formed with people. From very close friends, to family, it's these people that are probably the most important thing in my life (even more than my Wii). Since this achievement could have never been accomplished on my own, I send a thank you out to all those that have influenced my life and made it what it is. The best thing about this achievement is that it only gets better in time!

' I've decided that my typical work day could 
be devised into a single computer application that 
would be able to mimic me being at work. For those 
of you that can read Visual Basic code, here is the 
program for my new android, Jimmy Workday (greatly 
simplified of course).

Public Class JimmyWorkday

 Private codeLikeAMoFo As New Threading.Thread

 Private Sub Work()

  ' sleep until the alarm goes off
  While Not alarmActive
   Threading.Thread.Sleep(1000)
  End While

  ' get a** to work
  MorningRoutine.Shower()
  MorningRoutine.GetDressed()
  MorningRoutine.DriveToWork("Cavalier")

  ' do work
  alreadyEatenBreakfast = False
  alreadyEatenLunch = False
  While workToDo And DateTime.Now <= quittingTime

   ' check emails
   For Each email In Outlook.Inbox.Emails
    ReadEmail(email)
    If email.ConstitutesResponse Then
     Outlook.ReplyAll()
     WriteSemiCoherentResponse()
     Outlook.Send()
    End If
   Next email

   ' answer phone (if necessary)
   If Phone.IsRinging Then
    For i As Int32 = 0 To knownPhoneNumbers.Count - 1
     If knownPhoneNumbers(i).Number = Phone.Number Then
      If knownPhoneNumbers(i).ShouldNotIgnor Then
       Phone.Answer()
      End If
     End If
    Next i
   End If

   ' get bowl of cereal for breakfast
   If DateTime.Now.Equals(breakfastTime) And Not alreadyEatenBreakfast Then
    FrostedMiniWheats.PourIntoBowl()
    EatBreakfast(FrostedMiniWheats)
    alreadyEatenBreakfast = True
   End If

   ' use the bathroom if gotta go
   If natureIsCalling Then
    GetToBathroom()
    sitAndWaitTimer = 0
    While noReleif Or sitAndWaitTimer < TimeSpan.FromMinutes(15)
     TryForReleif()
     Threading.Thread.Sleep(TimeSpan.FromMinutes(1))
     sitAndWaitTimer += 1
    End While
    ReturnToDesk()
   End If

   ' eat lunch
   If DateTime.Now >= lunchTime And Not alreadyEatenLunch Then
    Lunch.Devour()
    alreadyEatenLunch = True
   End If

   ' code like a mo-fo in a mindless state while doing everything else
   If codeLikeAMoFo.ThreadState = Threading.ThreadState.Unstarted Then
    codeLikeAMoFo.Start()
   End If

   ' take a break every now and then to stay sane
   If gettingBored Then
    If Not tiredOfSurfingNet And feelingLuckyToNotGetNannied Then
     SurfTheNet()
    ElseIf Not tiredOfTalkingToPeople Then
     GoTalkToPeople()
    Else
     WasteTimeDoingStupidStuffLikeCodingMyDay()
    End If
   End If
  End While

  ' when home from work, exercise and eat
  EveningRoutine.DriveHome("Cavalier")
  EveningRoutine.Exercise()
  If GoogleCalendar.VolleyballEventExists Then
   GoPlayVolleyball()
  End If
  EveningRoutine.EatDinner()

  ' watch tv or whatever else
  Select Case DateTime.Now.DayOfWeek
   Case DayOfWeek.Monday
    TV.Watch("HowIMetYourMother")
   Case DayOfWeek.Tuesday
    Movie.Watch(netflixMovie, neighbor)
   Case DayOfWeek.Thursday
    TV.Watch("TheOffice")
   Case Else
    DoStuff()
  End Select

  ' get ready to do it all over again
  EveningRoutine.Read()
  EveningRoutine.GoToBed()
 End Sub

End Class

Well, it’s 2007 and the excitement (or lack there of) of the holidays is finally over. Another year has come and gone and with that, unfortunately another birthday. This is where I express to my readers how depressed my birthday makes me. Of course just like last year the question of the day was, “If your this depressed at [insert age here], what will you be like at 50?” And once again, just like last year, I’d answer, “Be even more depressed.” I’m not sure I can out-do last year’s post with why one should be depressed, but make sure you haven’t missed it by reading it here. It really was a piece of work I am quite proud of. As for this year, I’m thinking I’ll just tell you how unbelievably lifeless my life is with:

Captain Jimmy’s Favorite Moments of 2006, Being 25

My quarter century year started off really well. I can’t tell you how excited I was to see all that snow! And I can’t tell you because it didn’t happen. And while I said I would never get another season pass to The Knob, guess what, I did. And guess what? IT STILL ISN’T SNOWING!

The Stillers pulled off one heck of a Super Bowl XL victory. It may have been the highlight of the year. Of course once all the excitement was over, well that was exactly it. The excitement was over.

There were those two beach volleyball tournaments I won in Rehoboth beach this summer. Those were nice. Of course there were countless, countless others that I lost in the playoffs, mostly in the semi-finals. And by countless I mean the number won’t all fit on my extremities.

Ah Easter with the family. Between that and trips to Buffalo, NY, I’m not really what sent my heart into cardiac arrest.

Another good friend from college got married. While I couldn’t be more than happy for them, weddings are nothing more than a slap in my face at yet another failure in my life. I like to call that The Inability to Attract the Like Age Opposite Sex. Nothing like keeping the record strong!

Let’s not forget those fabulous 2 weeks of camp where I coached a swarm of hormone raging teenage girls that wanted nothing more that to get my attention. I think I had some kind of Mutant Eye disease there this past year too. At least Kelly Clarkson made up for that.

Of course I can’t skip over the family vacation to Kiawah Island that I didn’t miss out on this year. I also didn’t miss out on the week’s worth of depression that came after I got home. Not depression because I had a crappy time, definitely not! Depression because, well I don’t know really. Sometimes Life just likes to show you what you don’t yet have, but really do because you’re there. Does that make sense?

Another friend moved away. Far away. I hardly speak to her anymore, but we still remain good friends. I hope she learns as much as she has taught me about Life!

Jamesapolooza was a gigantically awesome hit! Too bad for those of you that missed out. The guest list is getting pretty long but I can almost guarantee that Barley Fest ’07 will be even better. Although honestly what could get better than yards of beer and hot chicks making out in your bathroom??

Something not to overlook here is The Booze Bus. Probably the most wild extravaganza I’ll ever have on a Workplace trip but hey, everyone should really experience something like this. I can’t recall if it was the alcohol, or the sheer amounts of alcohol but I told our host to sign me the eff up for next year!

Penn State games, Stillers games, and Jars of Clay concerts. Oh my!

I think my favorite highlight of the year was the camp out for the Nintendo Wii. My family thought I was crazy, people at The Workplace called me “One of those people,” but it was a really interesting experience where I froze my keester off and paid $250 for a piece of hardware that people still cannot get a hold of and in the meantime I am having the time of my video game life getting Wii Arm every other day!

The final month of the year threw me a wonderful Christmas gift of Luck. However is was short-lived and soon replaced by my original lack there of as is evident with the rising temperatures and countless other unlucky events that have happened to me since The Workplace Christmas Party.

So that is it. That was my year of being a quarter century old. Just like in those previous years people have come and gone, lifestyles have changed, and Life in general has evolved. Now that I have it all typed out though, I guess my life really isn’t all that depressing. In fact it seems somewhat interesting and fascinating. That’s probably because I’m the one proofreading it right now and I like to do all the stuff that I wrote. Maybe the majority of you look at The Captain’s list and think, “Wow, what a dull, sad, unfortunate little life.” I don’t see that at all though. Sure my life is pretty darn insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe, but it is mine. And just the sheer fact that I can share all these experiences (or lack there of perhaps) with other people is really all that I am here for.

I’ll admit it. I have some mild forms of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). If you’re curious as to what they are, just keep reading.

• The toothpaste tube absolutely MUST be squeezed from the bottom and the cap twisted off for use, not using the pop-top. Any alteration or defilement to the tube results in me reforming and/or cleaning the tube until it is rounded and clean.
• Outlook Inbox MUST be located in the taskbar of my computer to the very far left. If any other applications are opened before that, I close them all and re-open Outlook.
• Non-uniform textures drive me crazy! If something has a chip in it, or a rough spot, I cannot rest until it is uniform throughout. This is why I bite my nails.
• A stack of stapled papers needs to be perfectly aligned with the staple precisely in the upper left hand corner making an isosceles triangle with the corner. If a single paper is not aligned, or the staple is not perfect, the pack gets re-aligned and re-stapled, over and over until I’m satisfied.
• The money in my wallet must be sorted by value lowest to highest, front to back, all right side up with the face looking toward the front of the wallet.
• My drinking glass has to be located near the upper left side of my plate. If it’s not, I feel lost. Sometimes I won’t even acknowledge it. Like in a restaurant when they give you a water glass and a drink glass, usually the water glass goes completely unnoticed.

I have some other issues that I classify as minor annoyances mainly because they are completely out of my control. These are as follows:

• When you’re merging in the car, get up to speed before you actually merge onto the highway!
• Please drive at a constant speed. Constantly speeding up and slowing down makes me think there’s a woman behind the wheel (forgive me if you are a women and a good driver for there are a few of you out there).
• How about having a little courtesy and not have a half hour conversation on the phone when you’re with your friends. Surely you can call them back at some later point.
• You need to hold the Redi-Whip completely orthogonal to the plane of the tabletop. I don’t know why but when people don’t do this, it drives me mad (this could fall under the above category as well I suppose).
• Stop sneezing everyone! The sound is like nails on a blackboard.

This is why I’m the way I am. You don’t like it? Too bad.