“So check it out dawg,” as Randy from Idol would say. This weekend was the annual National Championship Pottstown Rumble in Pottstown, PA. This is volleyball I’m talking about here of course. Now I wasn’t really going to discuss this but since so many people kept hassling me about it this past weekend I guess I feel obligated. So here’s the low down. The weather this past weekend couldn’t have been worse. I’m pretty sure it rained at least 3 inches making this the muddiest tournament I’ve ever been to. Do you know how hard it is to play in pouring rain in ankle deep mud pools? It’s darn hard and let me tell you, Jim Barley would NOT be having a tournament like this one in his yard. Now lets talk about this “National” championship thing. There are people from out of the country that play in this tournament and I really don’t think it’s fair to classify them as being part of this nation.

But let’s talk about these out-of-country men, er women. I saw the manliest woman from Canada play ball that I have ever seen in my life and will probably ever see again. She was darn good at volleyball and even had the looks, but when it came to personality . . . Wow. Let me give you an example, okay how about two. The first is when she stepped out on the muddied court, just caked in mud (like most of us) and she lifted the top of her tank top up to her nose, took a whiff and states the following for all the world to hear, “Shew that is one bad a** stench!” I’m sorry, did you just comment on your boobs smelling like a**?

The second memorable moment came during a play in the game where she dove for the ball and hit the ground hard splattering grime all over the place. Upon hitting the ground her gum came flying out of her mouth and landed into a pool of brown liquefied clay. Any normal person might just let this be, but she pounded her fists on the ground in disgust of missing the ball then picked up her gum and threw it back in her mouth! Are you kidding me?! To this her male partner uttered, “Man, she’s my kind of guy.” I’ll tell you, I knew those Canadians where a little odd, but crap, that’s just down right manly!

My latest gripe: People that think they know it all, but really don't, then try to convince you that they really do. Maybe I’m just an idiot but I prefer to let them know they don’t know it all. So it upsets them a little, sometimes it upsets them a lot. Do I really care? Not an ounce. Did you ever know one of those people? They just try to get under your skin and try and shut you down and be-little you the best they can. The best thing about these types of people is that when they can’t get under your skin, you get under there’s. It’s a very bittersweet payback.

People manipulation is one of my specialties actually. I never abuse this talent, but I do amuse myself with it from time to time. Take for instance the game I used to play in college with my friends. I called it, “Let’s see how late I can keep people up.” The game was quite simple. I would see how long I could keep people talking to me late at night after they decided it was time to leave. I was really good at it. My record was about 3 hours I think. The best part about was that once my friends caught on, I’d still play the game, and with quite success. The other best part was seeing my friends dead tired the next morning. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t the nicest thing in the world to do, but any one of those people would concur that it was indeed quality time spent with yours truly, and what isn’t nice about that? So just a note for you people out there trying to manipulate other people, you really don’t want to try it with me. I am NOT your friend and I am NOT amused by your petty tactics.

On a separate note (not really) if you work in an office and you don’t read the comic strip Dilbert, you are definitely missing out. Here is yesterday’s edition:

So have you heard the latest story about the debit cards that FEMA handed out during the Hurricane Katrina crises last year? The Government or whoever is complaining because some of the purchases made with these cards have been made public and they include, but are not limited to dinner at Hooters, Girls Gone Wild videos, and expensive wines. What’s my take on it? Well clearly you care since you are still reading this entry.

Before I get into my opinion let me tell you a story. Let’s say little Joey needs to pay for the insurance on his brand new hot rod and to do this he gets himself a job at the local grocery story to help him pay for it. And fortunately for him, Mom decides she’ll give him a couple hundred bucks to go towards the insurance money because, well Joey is Mom’s baby and unfortunately he will never be able to escape from that label, even after he turns 25. Anywho, so Joey puts Mom’s 200 bucks aside for the time being to be used later for his car insurance. Now Joey is your typical teenager so he’s using his newly earned grocery money for clothes to attract the ladies and pizza because he’s darn hungry. And every once in a while he goes the extra mile and takes a girl out on an expensive date (foolish, but alas Joey is still young). Suddenly Joey is hard pressed for money this month so he goes back and takes some of the money Mom gave him to pay for his nice new kicks. However since Joey is anything but an idiot (except when it comes to girls) he tries to save a little more the following month to take place of the money Mom gave him.

So in the end Mom actually wound up paying for Joey’s Air Jordan’s, but the car insurance was still paid for. Was there any wrong doing here? Sure Joey didn’t use Mom’s money for the insurance but he made up for it by sacrificing some of his own hard earned cash.

So now it’s time for my opinion. And if you haven’t figured it out yet you haven’t been reading comprehensively. People are going to spend money on foolish and frivolous things no matter how much money they have. Money is money no matter where it comes from and any money that I obtain becomes my money to do with what I please. If I want to waste a gift in kind on girls with short shorts, that’s my business. It just means that I’ll have to spend more of my hard earned “riches” on what I need to survive. That’s how money works. You are free to do with your money what you please and I am free to do the same.

Maybe if FEMA hadn’t screwed up relief support in the first place we wouldn’t be talking about this issue today. Maybe it’s just a ploy to make people think that FEMA did good and now other people are abusing that gratitude.

So I’m back in Buffalo, NY only this time it was short notice. So short in fact that they were nearly out of hotel rooms when I made my reservation. What does that mean for me? Well it means that I get a handicap hotel room. Luckily I wasn’t taking it away from anyone that needed it, but I did feel a little embarrassed about doing such a thing. At least that was until I got into my room.

Now let me set the scene for you. In a handicap hotel room they obviously try to accommodate the intended user, which means that the bathroom is laid out a little different as well as the room itself.

So let's start with the bathroom. The shower is about twice the size of a typical shower, which is awesome, however there is only a quarter inch lip that keeps the water inside the shower area. This results in a flooded bathroom floor every time you shower! No exceptions! Where do you put the floor towel in that case? Next, the room sits on the first floor of the hotel and low and behold, it faces the parking lot. This means that when my window curtain is open, any darn fool who is walking to their car only has to turn their head to see me getting dressed or playing air guitar to my iPod. Not cool since I love to let as my natural light into a room as possible. Finally, each room in the hotel has internet access via a standard CAT5 cable. Super! However, due to the different room layout for the handicap the wall jack lies right behind the nightstand in the corner of the room. This wouldn’t be a problem if I hadn’t forgotten my own 20-foot cable, but of course I forgot. The hotel only supplies a three-foot cable which means that currently I am sitting in the corner of my room, on the floor squeezed up against the wall and the night stand just to write this stinkin’ blog entry. Go figure, the three-foot cable does NOT reach the bed.

It’s now apparent to me that handicap rooms aren’t for the handicapped, but for people who wish to feel handicapped. The biggest question I have right now is what does that button outside my room door do that says, "Please hold for 5 seconds?" Dare I push . . . ?

It’s amazing how much we grow over time and don’t know it. I had the opportunity this weekend to see some friends that I went to college with that I hadn’t seen since then. Three years I guess it’s been; almost to the day. Sitting around just talking, listening, learning; there is so much that is the same, yet so much that is different about these people. And it’s that talking, listening and learning that make me realize how much I have changed and grown over the years. It’s sort of sad to see those people of the past disappear. Even though you’re looking the physical being right in the eye, it’s not the same person you once knew. But it is so refreshing to get to know the person they have become and to look forward to the person that they will be. When we spend time after time with people that we know we tend to miss the minor changes that occur within us over time. It’s like as a child you don’t remember that one day you when you were short and the next you were tall. It happened so subtly that you never even noticed it until a year later. The living, spiritual being that we all are is no different than the physical being we charade on the outside in that regard. Sometimes you just need to give life some time so you can step back and see who we all are becoming. Maybe someday I’ll get to meet some other people I once knew all over again.

Congratulations buddy!

Not only is it hot, it’s F’in hot! Have I ever mentioned that I hate the heat? And what I hate more then heat is humidity. It’s like a double negative that doesn’t turn out positive. Okay it’s not like that. It is that. When I grow up I think I’m going to move to Maine. Or better yet, Canada. Have you heard about the health care those guys get? I can speak Canadian eh? Yah.

And it is just me or has Dateline on NBC turned into the Online Predator show? It seems like ever time I see Dateline on it is busting more online vultures. What are they up to now? Part V, VI? And now since the predators are getting smarter and are skeptical to enter the houses, they have bribed little children to help seduce these sickos into the home. Just what I want my child doing; luring sexual predators into a house to be aired on TV. What do they give them to do that? Jujyfruit? Snickers? If I were twelve and luring child molesters into a house I’d probably want the mother load of movies or Swedish Fish or something like that. And is anyone else amazed that all of these people getting arrested seem to live in the same neighborhood? Or are they really driving hours just to see some little kid take their close off?

And there it was, one of the most famous lines from the sitcom Seinfeld, “But I don’t wanna be a pirate!” Not that this has anything to do with anything else, just watching Seinfeld and thought I’d keep you informed.

Have you ever seen those movies that have the giant single file line of people, usually tribal people, walking thru the desert? The thing that always gets me about these lines is that these people could get to their destination in a fraction of the time if they walked in a straight line instead of a zigzag over, around and upside-down every possible obstacle in their path. It’s not even human nature to not walk in a straight line if applicable.

By the way, speaking of movies so far this week I’ve seen Over the Hedge, and X-Men 3: The Last Stand, and I must admit I was impressed with both of these movies but for different reasons. Over the Hedge was pretty comical and a laugh-out-loud adventure, while The Last Stand did a super job of rapping up the X-Men trilogy. The thing I liked most about The Last Stand was that the commercials on TV for it didn’t give anything away about the movie what so ever. That’s a pretty rare thing these days. Usually after watching 3 different commercials for current movies I have no need to see it anymore as I have already watched every good joke and action scene on TV between my favorite Seinfeld episodes. In case you find your way to see X-Men 3: The Last Stand, make sure you stay until the end of the credits. You’ll see why once you do.

Is anyone else fed up with this Preakness horse crap? I’m sad to say that I watched the horse race this weekend (against my will I might add) and frankly I wasn’t entertained at all. So the horse that was favored to win broke his leg. Let me ask you, do you know the name of the horse that actually won the race? Of course not. How could you? They only said it once and interviewed the winning jockey for a whopping 30 seconds. Instead the hype was, “Oh no! The favorite horse 'pulled up', whatever the heck that means. Boo hoo hoo.” Let me tell you something here friends. This is the aspect of racing in general. When watching Nascar (not that I do) the focus is rarely on the driver that crashed, but more on the driver that WON THE RACE! And those are actual people, not animals. And as if the horse race wasn’t boring enough, I now have to see the recap every night on the evening news. Luckily it’s not the whole race, just the first 30 seconds, because, you know, no one apparently cares about the END of the race. If the most exciting aspect of a horse race is how the injured horse had leg surgery the next day and is now on bed rest, clearly this “sport” needs a major overhaul.

The state of New York bought me a pizza! Better yet, they bought me a pizza here in The Cove. "How is this so?" you say. The Story is as follows and not a single word of it is made up! This I truly tell you.

For two weeks out of every year I work for The Stony Brook School Summer Programs on Long Island. I coach volleyball there to junior high girls who are wanting to develop their game a little more in a Christian atmosphere (it's a Christian camp). It's great fun. But anyway, because I am employed in the state of New York for that short period of time, I need to pay my rightful taxes to that lovely (note the sarcasm) state. Most years Stony Brook does not take enough money out of my paycheck to take care of all the taxes and thus I end up owing New York money come April 15th. This past year however was different and The Summer Programs actually did well and took out just a little too much of my paycheck, and I wound up with a nice big juicy check this year for a whopping nine dollars! This money meant so much to me that it actually sat on my kitchen counter for about 4 weeks before I finally took the time to go get it cashed. But this past Friday I did just that and oh was I feeling good! So good in fact I decided to treat myself to a nice pizza for dinner. So I went down to my local Foxes Pizza and got myself a nice medium pizza with the usual pepperoni and sausage. And what would you know, but my grand total expense for the pizza was exactly nine dollars.

And that my friends is the story of how the state of New York bought me a pizza. Take what you will from this story but as my uncle would say, "At the very least I have done you no harm."

This past weekend I was in Rehoboth Beach, DE for the MAV (Mid-Atlantic Volleyball) Last Rites Tournament. Usually when I go down to Rehoboth for volleyball tournaments I go down with a bunch of friends from the area for a long weekend. This means that on Friday and Saturday nights we all go out to a club and have a good time. Now if you know anything at all about Rehoboth Beach you would know that most people at that beach don’t “play for my team.” Tell anyone you are going to Rehoboth for the weekend and the response usually is, “Isn’t that the gay beach?” “Yes. Yes it is.” I tell them. While the fact that a lot of people there are homosexual doesn’t bother me, I do try to make sure I’m out with people who swing my way so that I don’t end up dancing with a man whose 6 inches taller than me, wearing high heels, a super mini skirt and a giant blond wig. This means that when in Rehoboth I need to avoid the gay bars. Easier said then done. Of course you can try to spot the upside-down rainbow triangles, but this seems to be going out of style these days. So real quick, these are my techniques on how to determine if a place in Rehoboth Beach, DE is a gay club.

1. There is an animal in the name (i.e. frog, parrot, etc.)
2. There is a feminine color in the name (i.e. purple, pink, etc.)
3. Couples of the same gender are walking in holding hands
4. The guys there are dressed just way too nice
5. Or dressed like NYC hookers
6. Most people are drinking fancy drinks instead of beer (mmmm, beer)
7. The name makes reference to water in some way (i.e. pond, ocean)

So depending on which team you play for use these techniques to find the place in Rehoboth fit for you. If you do happen to find yourself in a place not meant for you, just remember to keep your friends away from the girl that licking all the other girl’s legs.

Here’s some irony for you. This evening I decided to watch a documentary entitled “Understanding Sleep.” This in itself is anything but ironic. What is ironic was the fact that the last thing I remembered about the show was that the hosts were talking about naps. Next thing I was opening my eyes to see that the show was over. Someone should write a song about evens like that some day . . .

Mother's Day cards seemed to be slightly out of control this year. What I mean by that is all the cards at my local grocery store Hallmark were GINORMOUS! There wasn't a single card for "Mom" that didn't require extra postage to mail. And of course, a card big enough to require extra postage also requires extra purchasing expense and thus extra sales tax. Cards for "Grandma" were normal size and not a single one of those required extra postage. Now don't get me wrong, I love my mom, but has it now come down to "Mom" being so important that I have to put two stamps on her envelope instead of just one? I don't really think so. If anything the "Grandma" cards should be the larger ones because they are losing their vision and need that large font to read the thing comfortably. While "Mom's" eyes might fill with tears upon reading her Mother's Day card, she should still be able to read the normal size font of her non-extra postage card. Oh well. What's a few extra bucks for Mom anyway?

Laws of Attraction. I tried to explain these to a fellow co-worker this week and what she came away with from that conversation was that “gay people smell.” Let me just state for the record, this was not even close to the point I was trying to get across. Pheromones. We all have them. They are chemical secretions from the body that are physically undetectable except thru some kind of 6th sense from another body. It has been postulated that pheromones are the reason people feel “chemistry” between one another at a first meeting. We sense these pheromones using our basic sense of smell. It’s what some companies have been trying to market in their colognes and perfumes to help people attract members of the opposite (or same depending on which way you swing) sex. Science says that I am attracted to other people that have different immune systems and are immune to different diseases and viruses than myself so that our offspring can inherit both parent genes and have twice the immunity that myself and mate solely have. Basically Science says that we are attracted to one another simply to produce superior offspring and that it’s by detecting other’s pheromones that I can determine who the best mate will be to produce such progeny.

So in a nutshell, it’s that simple really. Do I believe such a theory? Well in theory (pun intended of course) it sounds good, but I guess the real question is do I want to believe such a theory? It’s no secret I enjoy marveling at the mysteries of this world. I doubt that each person has what some call a “Soul Mate,” a single person out there that exists only for another individual. The world just isn’t that mysterious. I prefer the think that the Laws of Attraction are derived from our environment growing up, our personalities, and of course what we perceive of as beauty. You know the saying; “Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” The thing that is interesting about that saying is that while our eyes perceive this world in two dimensions (our brain actually converts those two dimensions into three, but how it does so still remains a mystery) we as people are clearly hyper-dimensional, and the beauty we see goes well past the eyed two dimensions and into depths and proportions so deep that if we were to ever get lost in them, we would never return. Surprisingly enough that exact situation tends to occur quite often in nature. I believe they call that Love.

Ultimate Frisbee Mondays started yesterday. Now I was pretty excited for this as I haven’t played the sport since college (which scarily enough has been 3 years now, almost as long as my actual time in college), but I was completely unsure of what to expect. So I show up at the field in my sneakers and shorts ready to play a game of pickup when the rest of the players show up and start to put on their cleats. “Uh oh,” I think. Then one of the guys put on some socks that go half way up his thigh. At this point I’m a little concerned, because as I stated earlier, I haven’t played since college. So we warm up and everyone seems to throw a disc pretty darn well so I’m really starting to get nervous. We divide up the teams after counting by 2s like a middle school gym class and end with 4 on 4. Now if you’ve ever played ultimate Frisbee you know that a game with a total of 10 players or less can be pretty tiring, and by the looks of some of the guys that were playing, people were going to get tired. So after 15 minutes of play, sure enough players start dropping like flies.

Now let me inform you a little more about this sport. It turns out that there exists an actual offense and defense that to me is completely foreign. When I played in college we just sort of ran around until we got each other tired. The guys that I was playing with yesterday ran an actual offense and defense, which left me pretty much clueless. So I just ran around and tried to get the others tired.

So with the apparent lack of inshapeness with my team other than me we struggled to keep up. About the only advantage I had out there was that I could run faster and jump higher than anyone else. Or course nobody knew that I was a semi-pro volleyball player in training (or would like to be anyway). When it came to actually playing the sport I seemed to be a little lost. But with my apparent inshapeness I was stuck covering the only other guy that was inshape out there except he was darn good. He’d dart and dodge all over the place leaving me, well lost, but still moving all over the place.

In the end I was pretty darn impressed with all the players there and their ability to play the game. If I were to give them a little advice however it would be to possibly get on the mindset that they will have to run around a little more than once a week to be in shape to play in tournaments come this summer. Maybe I can’t provide offensive maneuvers, but I can provide a little bit of stamina.

Of course you know Google is probably the most popular search engine in the history of the planet. It’s so popular in fact tat I’ve even heard people refer to search engine as a verb: “Why don’t you Google it to find out more about it?” But did you know that Google is on heck of a scientific calculator? “Hey what’s two Google three?” Why five or course! Not only can you do simple math like 1 + 1 or 4.5 / 5.75, but also you can do numeric conversions. Go ahead try it. Just type, “165 lbs in kg” and watch your weight be converted to metric. Want to know how many milliliters are in 25 ounces? “25 oz in ml” Come on, give me something hard. There are tons of conversions you can do, including base conversions! “0b1100112 in decimal.” If I were a virtual calculating machine, I’d be in love. I tried to get tricky on it and test out some higher-level mathematics like logarithms and imaginary numbers and it trucked along without any issue. I decided I’d pull out the big guns with the equation, e^πi + 1 and wouldn’t you believe it, the number zero popped out. I was speechless.

You might ask why this equation is so unique. Well the answer is really quite simple. This is the only equation that uses all five major symbols of mathematics and only those symbols once. e being the irrational base used when computing natural logs, π being the proportion of an circle’s circumference to its diameter, i being the imaginary number representing the square root of negative 1, the number 1 of course, and 0, the symbol representing nothing at all. Truly a mathematical wonder I do believe! At one time I proved this equations using integrals and summations, but that was high school and has been long since forgotten, just believe me when I say it’s a true equation.

If you’re looking for a good movie to watch, and you happen to be from a small town in Massachusetts, I would suggest the film Beautiful Girls. Now before you go off thinking, “Boy is Jimmy a perve or what?!” Lets take a look at what the film is actually about shall we. Unfortunately for you pornoholics this movie is not going to satisfy your addiction. The movie was made back in 1996 though this doesn’t mean that it stinks. To start with, the movie has such stars as Rosie O’Donnell, Matt Dillon, Annabeth Gish (Agent Reyes from The X-Files) and event the great and wonderful Natalie Portman (though it is a 13 year version of her yet even then she was great). While this isn’t a Captain Jimmy Movie Review, I will say this movie is worth watching, especially if you are an adult and still live to be back with your high school buddies, or you actually do live with your high school buddies. Not only does the movie address the crossroads in our lives, as well as what our lives might be like had we all been from a small town and stayed there forever, but it also addresses the great thing that is friendship. If you haven’t figured it out yet, Vikki I am recommending this movie specifically for you. So if you haven’t seen it, go see it! Well, you’ll actually have to rent it since it is 10 years olds, but go do it! By the way is it normal for a film that takes place in Massachusettes to be filmed in Minnesota?

Have you seen these new Doublemint Twin Mints commercials yet? They're the ones with the two goofballs wearing some green pin-striped shirt that look nothing alike yet sing like they are in some kind of old Broadway musical. The concept is that Doublemint Twin Mints are different from the gum, so let's make the "twins" doing the singing completely different. In all seriousness here, how much are those two nuckleheads singing getting paid? I'll tell you this much. If Wrigley hired me to do that singing and dancing crap they'd be about broke because I wouldn't be doing that junk for mere pocket change. Where do they find people to do that? Does Wrigley just walk around the streets of, say, Pasadena, CA and think, "Hey look at those two idiots over there. They look retarded enough to be in our latest commercial. I bet they can't sing for crap!" I tell you this much, I wouldn't be playing the role of one of the idiotic background singers and dancers for cheap either.

So I go to Buffalo, NY for a week, come back and everything outside is either green, white, or pink. It’s quite nice actually. Where we were at in Buffalo we saw either brown, black, or tan and those colors weren’t the colors of nature, but the colors of ghetto towns, nasty Lake Erie and NY traffic. So needless to say I was glad to be back home.

With Easter being this past weekend, it was another fun filled event at my Grandma’s. Just like last year’s post, here are some of my favorite recaps.

• Digging a hole to plant flowers with a nice shovel, but as soon as I pull the shovel from the ground, only the handle comes back.
• Replacing said shovel with a cheap plastic one and attempting to dig a hole.
• Watching my sister squeeze a robin’s egg to see if it was real and it popping in her hand getting dead baby bird all over her!
• Knowing that my sister is OCD about stuff like that and not having anything to clean off her hands with within 5 miles!
• Watching my grandma put half a dinner plate of food out “for the birds.” My brother-in-law says it’s got to be some groundhog or cat that really eats that stuff.
• Waking up on the living room couch with a mouth full of white dog hair. Blahhh.
• Schooling a 6 year old in Mario Kart 64 and watching her get really ticked off!
• Having said 6 year old tell me she will take my glasses from me and break them!
• Hearing the dinner conversation move from menopause to constipation to colonoscopies in a matter of minutes, literally.
• Waiting for my great uncle to bring up how he wants the bar my grandfather made that now resides in father’s basement . . . again!
• Listening to my great uncle bring up said event as well as the appraisal of my grandma’s house . . . again!
• Trying to find anything in my grandma’s house with either real sugar, salt, or fat in it. No go.

So I've been in Buffalo, NY for the last three days now and I am starting to get pretty darn sick of their accent, ya know? See I'm even starting to think with it. Luckily I'll be heading back to gold ol' PA tomorrow just in time for The Office with any luck. The roads here that I'm traveling on are uterly brutal. Apparently these are 4 lane highways with only a middle double yellow line for road markings. This means that two lanes of traffic travel in each direction with no lane dividers. Also suddenly these two lane roads become one and then two again before you even know it! New Yorkers are all honkin' their horns left and right at me! Also the No Turn On Red signs seem to be optional to follow and a red traffic light simply means come a slow roll and then drive on thru the red light; straight!. I could never make it here unless I had a giant Hummer that I was allowed to run people over with.

In other news I'm trying to get on this MySpace bandwagon here before I'm left out of the loop. So today I got an email (from a devoted fan apparently) requesting that I be her friend on MySpace. "That's cool," I think, "I'm with it. I'm hip." So I click on the link to take me away to Internet Connection Land. MySpace works as it intends too but I can't help but notice the giant picture of the half naked chicks on every other page. I mean, X10 camera ads have those sizzlin' hot babes advertising for them, but the ads are pretty small. These puppies take up half the page! No exaggeration! So I'm not really sure who MySpace is catering too, but it appears to be the young, 20 year old males that are so obviously sex crazy. If only the majority of my friends looked like that I'd be pretty darn happy!

NOTE: If you are one of my friends, please note that the last remark was merely for entertainment purposes only. Take no offense. As your mom would say, "But you are so beautiful on the inside." Huh! What a load of crap!

Captain Jimmy's Bootleg Movie Review: Ocean's Twelve

So it's been a while since I've seen a bootleg movie, but this version of Ocean's Twelve did not disappoint. The movie kicks off with fairly poor video color quality with Japanese sub-captions and poor text display format. All that aside, the movie was great! Danny Ocean (George Clooney) is at it again scheming up a way to make millions on a heist. Unfortunately this time Ocean's involvement and his 10 other sidekicks is a result of Terry Benedict (Andy Garcia) tracking everyone from the first movie down (even though in the first movie he didn't even know they existed) and making them pay back what they stole, plus interest. The movie continually points out that Benedict was reimbursed by the insurance agency, but I'm not quite sure why this was hinted at time and time again. It really eluded me.

Anywho, Ocean's Eleven wend up finding out that they are being played by some French Thief who is the master of all thieves otherwise known as The Night Fox. This guy is neither a knight, nor a fox by the way. It turns out that The Night Fox is who helped Benedict track down all of Ocean's Eleven team solely so he could see who was the better thief. Needless to say a new heist comes up and only Detective Lahiri (Catherine Zeta-Jones) is smart enough to figure it all out. To rap things up things get pretty intense and we finally discover that the 12th member alluded to is none other than Julia Roberts er, Tess Ocean (Julia Roberts).

The movie was crafty, exciting and very quick and sneaky. You have to watch closely and pay attention or you'll completely miss all the stuff the movie has to offer. Not only did I not want to turn it off, but also it was 12 midnight on a weeknight and I still had to watch the ending. Despite my lack of sleep that night I give this movie 4 superbly picked pockets, out of 5!

Unless you’ve been living under a rock the past few days you should know that Today’s co-anchor, Katie Couric has announced her leave from the famed mourning show effective this May. While not a fan of hers at all (I think she acts like a ditz and dresses like a 16 year old just so people will like her) I was quite pleased to hear this news. Of course in my mind, this leave of Katie’s could only mean one thing; make way for my favorite news personality of all time, Campbell Brown! Not only is she super attractive, well okay, she’s super attractive. If she and Katie were to go at it fists and all Campbell would come out looking like she just walked a mile, while Katie would probably be in a bloodied heap of a mess on the ground. But of course, NBC throws the monkey wrench of all time and decides to hire that woman from The View who also hosts Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. What the BEEP! This is not what I’ve been looking forward to for years! Why have you dashed all my hopes and dreams NBC? Why have you denied the most wonderful talk head her right of passage into the weekday Today show? I would have started to watch more of the Today show. I would have gone into The Workplace later just to watch her (like I do on days she subs in). But hey, NBC screwed up yet again and just lost even more viewers for its popular mourning show.

Despite the fact that Campbell got married last Sunday, it still doesn’t mean we all can’t dream and hope for a divorce. It’s a good thing the Half-Sevens Rule¹ doesn’t apply to older women.

¹Half-Sevens Rule: A rule brought to my attention by Andy that states that a man can have relations with a younger women provdied her age is half of that of the man's age plus seven. For example, I am currently 25 so I would be able to see a women that is half of my age (12) plus 7, which would be 19. Note: This rule gets better with age and keeps those real young people from being together.

Ahhh Spring Time. Time for nice weather, cool breezes and of course volleyball and ultimate frisbee! While I say good riddance to my incredibly sucktacular winter I am quite ready for the spring season's sports to start up. I got myself into an Ultimate Frisbee club out near Johnstown, PA so I'm completely stoked (as some boarders may say) about that. And for a nice random thing, a woman on Deal or No Deal just thought that Thanksgiving was on March 3rd. How is that even possible?

I think cheese is highly overrated and highly overused. It’s like everywhere you go, everything you order these days comes with cheese. At fast food places it’s not enough to order a HAMburger, you need to specify it’s a “Hamburger, no cheese” (using the word without in place of no usually results in a cheeseburger). I’m not asking for a cheeseburger here. Salads come with cheese on them by default. We’re stuffing cheese into the crusts of pizzas, buying casseroles with cheese baked in already, and even filling cheese inside pasta! Cheese should be an add-on product only people! Not everyone likes the stuff. I mean we accommodate people who are handicapped with parking spaces, low-grade ramps and elevators; all I am asking for is to NOT assume that we all want everything we eat smothered in cheese. It’s not like it costs as much as an elevator to not put the cheese on the salad, in fact, it saves money because the national cheese supply will not diminish as quickly! All I want is for no more bizarre looks when I order that chicken without cheese, and no more sounds of annoyance when I say, “Hold the cheddar on my fries.” There are more of us out there than you think, so cheese up people!

On a side note (I've been informed that the phrase By the way makes absolutely no sense what-so-ever) does anyone else think it’s ironic that Joan Osborne sings the song “One of Us” that just happened to be the theme song to the has-been CBS TV show “Joan of Arcadia” in which the main character Joan alluded to the actual person Joan of Arc who claimed God appeared to her time after time as different people?

It's no secret that two of my favorite TV shows are Stargate SG-1 and The X-Files. Yeah yeah, say what you want about my nerdy science fiction obsessions, but if Andy can like Stargate SG-1 then clearly you can't consider me weird (besides Stargate is currently the most popular sci-fi show on TV). Anywho since I've seen just about every episode of each I'm quickly discovering characters that appear in both series, as different characters of course. For a list of just a couple of these fine fellows, just keep reading.

William B. Davis. If you've ever watched The X-Files than I know you know this guy. He's the Cigarette Smoking Man, or Cancer Man as Mulder puts it sometimes. However, CGB Spender has made guest appearances in a couple of recent Stargate episodes as a foul looking Prior. Maybe all those cigarettes finally got to him.

Mitch Pileggi. He played Asst. Director Skinner in The X-Files. However you can now find him playing the role of Col. Caldwell on the spinoff series Stargate Atlantis.

Tom McBeart. He's the lovable Col. Maybourne of Stargate. While he may be Jack O'Neil's arch nemesis at the NSA, he can be found playing a couple different characters on The X-Files. One if which is Detective Gwynn who helps Mulder track down a couple of vampires thirsty for blood . . . and sex.

Megan Leitch. The fairly hot sister of "Spooky" Mulder, Samantha, while was abducted by aliens and made an appearance here or there as a clone and what-not she apparently has a twin elsewhere in this galaxy known as Linea, "Destroyer of Worlds." This is of course the younger Linea who accidentally comes down with amnesia while experimenting on a human race on some far off planet. That crazy Vorlix!

Don D. Davis. A League of Their Own fans know him as the manager of Racine, but us sci-fi nuts know him as General George Hammond on Stargate. This general however can also be found as Agent Scully's father in a few episodes of The X-Files.

Amanda Tapping. [Sigh.] This is the most recent find that was actually brought to my attention today. Yeah yeah, so I have a little crush on the attractive brainiac known as Samantha Carter. Now I'm no MacGyver, but I'm pretty sure she played a hooker in today's The X-Files episode, Avatar.

Nicholas Lea. Just for kicks I thought I'd throw Alex Krycek into the mix. He never really appeared on Stargate SG-1 but before he was the evil killer Krycek he was . . . well some guy that was abducted by aliens in one of the first couple seasons. Rarely do you find such a main character in a series play other insignificant roles.

So I'm pretty sure I missed some of them, but these are the ones that stick out in my mind. By the way. Have you seen the new TV commercial for the V-Cast Razor phone? It may be the funniest commercial ever. My favorite part:

Razor phone: Where's your cell phone.
Guy without phone: At home.
Razor phone: Because he's LAME!!!!

I'm currently sitting in front of my TV watching the latest in reality TV called American Inventor. Remember how back in high school you used a certain word to describe things that were really really really stupid and it sounded something along the lines of "doplic?" Well this word comes to mind while watching this show. Not only are the "judges" idiots but their personalities are mind numbing as well. The inventions appear to be quite idiotic as well. Captain Jimmy would give this show a whopping 1 grand jury shy of a court indictment.

So here’s my gripe about American Idol. Keep in mind I try and watch this show religiously, so I’ll be fairly judgmental. First of all is it at all possible for Randy to act his proper age? I’m guessing you’d be pretty hard pressed to find another fellow born the same year as him saying phrases like, “Yo, so check it out dawg,” or “Aight I’m diggin’ it.” Also the three fingered hand wave can also fall in the Act Your Age category. Second I realize that the judges want some diversity in the songs but don’t pick a theme that doesn’t really have any brisk songs in it and then be disappointed with the lack of energy from the contestants. Stevie Wonder is a great artists, but lets face it, not too many 18 year olds are walking down the street jamming to Part-Time Lover on their iPod. Finally are the producers even letting the contestants choose what they want to look like anymore? If they were I’m pretty sure some of them wouldn’t have looked like they did last night. Maybe I’m a little obsessive about the show, but hey it’s Tuesday and frankly I have no life really during the week.

Happy Pi Day!

Jose Canseco is a bumbling idiot! And anyone who thinks otherwise can be labeled the same as far as I'm concerned. Only about 20% of the words coming out of his mouth can be deemed relevant or accurate. The rest are either blatant lies or phrases so ambiguous nothing could ever be concluded from them. Anyone that responds to questions regarding where one received his information by saying something along the lines of "my sources will be made public soon enough," should be whacked on the back of the head like the 12 year old he is acting like should. I'm convinced anyone who chooses to interview the guy these days is doing so for the soul purpose of humiliating him. No other outcome could come from such a dialogue for I have yet to see a discussion with the man where I haven't said out loud in an irritated voice, "What an idiot!"

Human emotions are an interesting thing aren't they? They can keep us from sleeping, keep us from eating, even keep us from talking to others. Sometimes I think how great it would be if we just didn't have to deal with all that stuff. Then I remind myself how dull this life would truly be without them. Sure the drama would be all gone, but how can you admire the beauty of a crisp sunny day without the damp and dreary rainy one? The emotions that we feel help define who we are. So even while a sleepless night is fine here and there, it's the massive emotional overflows that make me see how nice it sometimes is to live a very dull life . . .

By the way, if you're ever at The Workplace and you find the man that stole my mom's pink shirt, tell him to work a little faster and to quit complaining about not getting things done because the new hire is driving his van around!

A couple things tonight. First just let me say that everything I express on this site is my opinion, and pretty much my opinion only. If you don't care to know my opinion or you're going to be offended or complain about my opinion then you really shouldn't be reading this. Of course comments are welcome, but the fact remains that this is life as I see it and sometimes that could be hard for others to hear (for whatever reason). Of course this site is a prime example of my free speech at work so really anything goes. I realize not everyone out there is "down" with blogging and some see it as needless banter and crude remarks. Well it's a lot more than that. It's a huge knowledge bank filled with opinions and creative writings yet to be discovered. Sure sometimes we bloggers complain about life and the people in it, but that's our business to make it public. Even professional writers like Dave Barry and the like are making comments about people all over this planet for entertainment purposes only. So just for future reference to you readers out there, don't judge me because I'm judging you . . . well actually go ahead, that's what we do by human nature. But like I said before, if you don't care for my opinion then don't read my blog.

The other things shall remain private for now. There are some things in my life I prefer to keep to myself and a few select others. That doesn't include however my thoughts about life.

Does Deal or No Deal rock or what?! WHOAAAA!! You might find it creepy for me to have a picture of Howie Mandel on this post, but I find it perfectly normal. This guy rocks!

Is it just me or can our bodies only feel cold? By this I mean if one part of our body is warm and the other is cold, the cold will override the warm. Here's an example. Stick one hand in a glass of freezing cold water and the other in a glass of warm water. Leave them there for a little while and then take your hands out and touch them together. Does your warm hand feel the cold of the other, or does your cold hand feel the warmth of the other? My money is on feeling the cold. Could this possibly be because warm always goes to cold, high always goes to low, order goes to disorder, enthalpy to entropy? Probably . . .

Ahhhhh . . . .

Have you ever just taken a big refreshing gulp of Life and thought to yourself, "Yeah. Life is good . . ."

Well The Workplace Expo 2006 is finally over. It has occupied my time for the last four days and I am quite happy to see it go and not come back for another two years. We demo-ed our blacktop/popcorn plant again like last time. I wasn’t so sick of popcorn though this time around. This popcorn plant is probably the most expensive and extravagant popcorn machine that exists in the world today. If I acquire a picture, I’ll gladly submit it so you all can see it. You are also reading a post from one of the worlds leading experts of the physics of popcorn, and salt flow.

While IT did it’s little video game racing event again, I was not eliminated from the competition this year as I am no longer in IT, but Automation. Translation: I kicked arse in the game and walked away today with a brand spankin’ new PS2 Mini and steering controls! Next time I’m sure all of corporate employees will be excluded from winning. I just keep ruining it for more people. It’s their own fault though. Here’s a small tip: Don’t have video game contests when you have 20 some year old guys working for the company. Especially ones that have had and are recovering from an addiction problem and have “Video Game Night” every Friday from 5pm to 3am.

All in all the Expo wasn’t so bad. I got to know some fellow employees much better and even did a little social event with some of them last night. While I still believe that this expo is a tremendous waste of money and my time, I do walk away with a crap load of free stuff every two years! Here are some of my favorite booths from Employee Expo 2006:

1. Procare: A local fitness club, here you got to test your balance skill on a cool machine that was completely configurable with resistance and feet position.
2. UPMC Medical: This is currently my health care provider but at the booth they were doing bone density test. Despite the amount of milk I drink daily I was told I should be taking calcium supplements with magnesium, along with more dark green vegetables.
3. Altoona Medical: An Altoona medical facility that perfored a body composition analyzer. Some cool stuff I learned about my body:
   1. Total body mass that is fat: 24.6 lb
   2. Total body mass that is water: 103.21 lb (which is insane by the way!)
   3. Body Impedance: 529 Ohms
   4. I should gain another 10.61 lbs to be my ideal body type – no thanks!

To read posts of Expo Past, check out these great links!
02.17.2004
02.18.2004
02.19.2004

Is it me or am I the only person watching the Olympics these days? I haven't found a single person at work yet that could discuss in detail the events of the Olympics that had aired the previous night. Now Figure Skating I can understand (what I don't understand is how this could possibly be the most popular Olympic sport here in The States) but come on people, these are the games of the winter olympiad! These only happen once every four years! And for the record, talking to me about Michele Kwan doesn't count because frankly she's all over the news almost as much as Dick Cheney is these days and she's not even competing anymore. If you're looking for some good events to watch, here's a list of my favorites:

Curling: If you haven't seen this, you're missing out. Grant it you don't need to be in great shape to compete in this event, but the skill that is involved is just flat out ridiculous.

Snowboard Cross: While in the Winter X Games for quite some time now, Snowboard Cross made it's Winter Olympic debut this year. Simply put, four boarders race at a time in heats down a hill until contestants are eliminated by time and the final heat occurs. Just in case you have been watching this event, tricks and showboating before the finish line, or anytime during the race are NOT necessary and should not be attempted . . . Women . . .

Freestyle Skiing: If want to see people doing ridiculous flips that you will never ever even want to consider doing, then check this puppy out!

Alpine Skiing Super-G: All I have to say is good god! Are people really this insane!

I used to enjoy setting up PCs. Now . . . well just just say I won't be surprised if the PC I disconnected last week will be set up again anytime soon. Sort of makes me wish I had a laptop...yeah...

You knew this had to be coming, so here it is in all its glory:

Captain Jimmy's Super Bowl XL Review

To put it bluntly, even as a hard core Stillers fan, I wasn't impressed last night. As Bob Dole would say, "You know it. I know it. And the American people know it." I would have much rather watched the Stillers-Colts game again in its entirety. Neither Pittsburgh, nor Seattle had anything worthy of a Super Bowl performance. Perhaps the biggest disappointment of the night was the absence of one Troy Polamalu. Sure you could see #43 out there running around but he wasn't involved in any kind of play! He had no rushes toward Hassleback, and I don't even think he had one tackle. Let's face it; he is the majority of that defense. Now I'm not saying he played awful, but you could tell the guy was hurt out there as he couldn't really seem to out run, out perform, or out maneuver anybody.

The Stillers rarely sent in the blitz and Big Ben played like he did last season. I can understand the man was nervous, you know second year quarterback in his first Super Bowl. That's no petty feat. But the last two games before The Bowl the Stillers played were off the hook! Ben's arm was firing! Bettis' bus was rolling, Foote's foot was stomping. This game was missing all of that.

The reason the Stillers win can be summed up in two plays: Parker's 75 yard run touchdown and of course the of the hook reverse to Randle El who then passed to Ward for a 43 yard completion pass for a touchdown. Of course Ben's touchdown helped some, but everyone made it out to be so controversial, I'll throw it out. Just for the record and with all Stillers' fan aside, the man scored a touchdown. John Madden is frickin' old and blind so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, but come on Rest of the World! The ball passed the plane of the end zone. In football we call that a touchdown. Clearly the white lines on the ball were directly above the end zone white line meaning that the tip of the ball had to have passed the plane. Yes it then got knocked back, but it's too late by then. So Ben tried to be tricky and slide it across the goal line, but you show me one other football player who doesn't do the exact some thing on every single play!

Pittsburgh clearly won because of Seattle's lack of . . . well, they just blew it. Penalties were called when touchdowns should have been and just too many passes were dropped. Basically that's what it all came down to. They couldn't catch the ball when the play really mattered. Sure they were hot when it was a little 5 yarder, but eventually that just didn't cut it. And just to clarify again, you can’t push off another player to catch a ball, EVER and you can’t rap your arm around another player’s chest from the back and hold him from getting to the quarterback. Those are rules of football. So quit your wining about bad calls Seattle fans.

In the end it must have been really hard to pick an MVP for that game. But I'd say Ward was the guy it should've been. He had some key catches that made the game a winner for the Stillers. In conclusion, all was well with Jimmy and his Stillers. While it was no pretty victory, I'll take a homely win any day. The only thing, well okay, things I could have done without were the awful halftime and pre-game shows, and of course, the fact that Crap Face Tom Brady had to witness the coin toss in his butt ugly velvet sports coat. Like Madden said before the game. You show me a good loser, and I'll show you a loser. That may have been the best thing he has ever said.

HERE WE GO! STEELERS! HERE WE GO! PITTSBURGH'S WON THE SUPER BOWL!!!!

I'm not understanding the hype over Groundhog Day. Does anybody actually believe in the myth? And how does Phil see his shadow on a cloudy day when nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing is casting a shadow? Heck how do we even know he sees his shadow? Is it because he is looking down? Maybe he has an ingrown toenail and is checking out. And when does Phil even have time to look down when those guys in the big coats drag him out of his hole and hold him up over their heads? I think this "holiday" is a bunch of moo-ha-ha. Now maybe if they gave us a day off work I might be more inclined to change my opinion...eh, wait a minute...probably not.

Tomorrow is Stillers Day again at work! HERE WE GO! STEELERS! HERE WE GO! PITTSBURGH'S GOIN' TO THE SUPER BOWL!

My big gripe today: winter has apparently ended and no one bothered to inform the calendar. This weather is ridiculous. I don't know if it's because of global warming or what, but for years now the winters around here have sucked with a capital S! And what's worse, I keep buying season ski passes for The Knob in the hopes that this year will be better than last and year after year it keeps biting me in the butt. Well that stops right here! Starting the end of this winter (or whatever season you want to call it right now) no more season passes to The Knob. If that means getting tons of snow, but at a 4 hour flex price, then so be it.

In other news, check out this blog if you feel like no one could ever understand how you think. You may be surprised. http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Here's how this day went. Volleyball tournament (coed 4's) in The Cove today. We started off doing quite well (I had a couple real sweet hits off a back 2 set, it was awesome (of course only fellow volleyball nuts know what the heck I'm even talking about here)). We wound up tying for first in our pool (although since we split with the other 1st place team, and they beat us in total points we wound up second). So it was off to playoffs. About this time we crapped out and lost in the semi-finals to a team that really wasn't better than us. So usually I'm down after losing in the playoffs, mainly because it happens quite regularly and I'm heading back to my chair to gather my things up when my phone rings. It's The Workplace. "Hey can you go fix this? So and so said they tried this, but I can't get a hold of them."

So I quickly leave The Cove and head to one of our most dreaded plants. When I get there what do I discover? Nothing short of sheer stupidity. Here someone laid a garden hose, with the water turned on I might add, on the floor and it had filled up an enclosure with delicate, yet very vital circuitry (Opto 22 to be exact) with water. Of course like most circuitry it doesn't work under water. So with the tools in my car and a terrific co-worker/friend/turned boss working on his PC from home being my eyes on the phone, Ashley and I switched some Optos around and got the thing working again for the rest of the weekend. Of course me being soaked by a hose, along with dirt, grime and a sliced bleeding finger did not add well to my already disappointed state of loosing in the semis.

So The Workplace will get my bill for 2 hours come Monday morning (I wonder how much I cost per the hour?) and I took off for home to shower. Luckily to cheer me up, my friend took me out to Hooters for my first time ever. Just to clarify, it was actually her idea (that's right, this friend is a girl and she wanted to go) since she loves the food there. I must admit the food was tasty, but I also must admit that I was slightly distracted from my normal food focused state by the people serving the food (for obvious reasons). Just for a heads up, there are way more families there than single guys if you can believe that. I don't think I'll ever take my 12 year old boys (not that I have any right now) there though. That's just got to be way too much hormone overflow for them. So the day's emotions sort of fluctuated like the Stillers game two weeks ago, but all in all I guess I'm still happy to be around.

Now in this world of ups and downs...
So nice to know there are jackalopes around.

I MADE IT!! HA HA HA!! I am at the top. Right now if you do a search at Google for "james barley", yours truly, me, the Jimmy himself, will be the number one result. Oh how I have waited for this day. No more James Barley the woodturner from Canada at the top. It's all me!

Sigh...Oh what a sad sad world I live in...

Here we go!!! Pittsburgh's goin' to the Super Bowl!!! Here we go!!!

Tomorrow is Steelers Day at work which means we get to wear Stillers gear at The Workplace! How kick a** is that??!! I'll be sporting number 43, Troy Polamalu of course...

I must be becoming an honest man or something. Suddenly I’m paying for the music (or TV Shows) I download and for software as well. I’m not quite sure what is coming over me. Well okay, maybe it’s not so much honesty as easibility. Downloading tunes these days has become such a hassle with those peer-to-peer applications. First you have to find about 50 computers that have exactly what you’re looking for if you want to download the thing this century. Second there is no guaranty that you’ve downloaded what you think you’ve downloaded. Take that time in college my roommates and I tried to download The Matrix 3: Revolutions before it was out. We ended up with some form of Swedish porn. These days there are wrongly names files, corrupt data, even incomplete, or poorly ripped tunes out there. Thirdly I’m sick of searching for hackz and crackz that don’t work on the latest versions of the software I’m looking for. I usually wind up with some sort of porn a long this search to. Also the software thing now I can sort of sympathize with since that’s pretty much what I do at work. If I were to write some simple little program I’d want people to pitch in a little bit (a few bucks) if they were going to download and use it (unless the thing was super-duper useful and it put bigger companies like Apple or AOL in a frenzy and they had to pay me to take the thing off the web, then it would be free). Maybe my days of illegal activities aren’t over yet, but frankly I just don’t fee like putting the time into it anymore.

Security Note: The opinions and actions expressed in this blog entry do not necessarily reflect those of the author.

We don'’t always make the best decisions in our lives. My life is no different than anyone else's. Luckily we have people know as friends that yell at us and are honest with us that attempt to get us back on the right track. The only bad decision we can ever make is to decide to not listen to these friends when all they want to do is make our life better. The greatest thing about friends however is that no matter how many times we decide not to listen, they will continue to stand by our side and yet still point out our mistakes.

In case you missed it this weekend I shall recap the Stillers game just as it took place exactly one day ago (subliminal message: New England Lost! Hee Hee! Stupid Tom Brady!!).

Wow Ben looks good today! Touchdown! Yes! That’s right! Owe come on, where’s the flag! Another Touchdown! Push ‘em back!

Half time: Can you believe what’s going on here?!

Nice! No! Yes!…Enter last quarter.

NO! NO! What happened to the blitz? NO! YEEESSSSS (jumping up and down) – NOOOOOOO (immediately falling on the floor)! WHAT THE #@$% call is that!? (followed by more obscenities). Yes! YES! YEAHHHHH WAAAH WHOOOO (more jumping up and down and high five slapping)! AHHHHHH NOOOOOOO (falling on floor yet again)!!!! GET ‘EM! GET HIM!!!! SOMEBODY!!!!

Block it! BLOCK IT! HE MISSED IT! AHH HAHAHAHA YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! Rapped up with extreme body fatigue and relief while slumping into a rag doll on the couch.

If football was like that every weekend I don’t think I’d watch but once a year.

I didn’t quite meat my quota last Friday as I only played Need For Speed: Most Wanted for 9 hours straight. The time was cut short by my need to get up somewhat early the next day for my uncle’s 60th birthday party/Solstivus celebration. I must say it may have been the largest Solstivus festivity ever! Not only were there heaps of gifts given this year, but there was a Book of Solstivus created by none other than Til himself. There should be a link up shortly so you all can read and learn more about the ridiculous holiday founded by my family. It has yet to be decided as to what gifts will make the Hall of Fame and Honorable Mention this year but some of my picks right now are “Old Used Couch Arm Rest Covers,” “Collection of Years Past Ski Passes,” and “Broken Single Earphone.” While the Giving of the Gifts observance was larger than ever, it will take some time for the Elder Committee to decide on what gifts were the best. Of course after the Giving of the Gifts we all partook in the Solsti-Bowl in which a Miracle of Sostivus Past took place not once but twice! This was of course the Miracle of the Jumping Gutter Ball. All in all I think this proves that not only do I have one of the most bizarre families ever, but we have fun being bizarre.

And by the way, can I get some colder temperature and a little bit of snow here? It’s frickin’ January and it’s frickin’ 50 degrees outside. This wouldn’t irritate me so much if it wouldn’t happen every year! Now I have proof. Just check out previous posts from past Januaries. What the crap kind of ski season is this?

Have sports actually gotten to be easier to play over the years? Think about it. Most sports these days include equipment to play with whether they be bats, clubs, rackets, skies, etc. And in most sports this equipment is getting better and better allowing the athletes using them to be worse and worse. Lets look at golf and tennis for the time being. Pull out one of your old grandfather’s one woods or moms old tennis racket and you’ll find a much smaller, heavier cousin of today’s extreme gear. The old golf clubs and tennis rackets we actually made of wood and the heads were rather small. A golfer needed to hit his ball perfectly in the center of his wooden club head to hit a beauty off the tee. A tennis player had very little room for error as well to get some topspin on the ball sending it back over the net toward his opponent. Now head into any sporting goods store and see the latest; super light, metallic golf clubs with heads bigger than beach balls and very light weight titanium rackets with mesh covering more surface area than my aunt Sally.

Now a golfer doesn’t even have to hit the ball center or swing with any type muscle to drill the ball home while a tennis player could hit a ball with his eyes closed! So while it looks like our athletes have improved over the years, really they don’t need to be as good as they once were to look like they are better. Technology makes the sports what they are today. Baseball bats can hit balls further today than ever before, parabolic skies make flying down the slopes easier than ever, shoes help you jump higher, play longer. Performance enhancers make you stronger, more focused. Even swim suits have developed to aid the swimmer with less drag.

But maybe this is the essence of sport itself. Perhaps sport does need to evolve with the times in order to keep all our interests. There has to be some kind of limit to which the human body can perform and what is the fun of sport if we have to stop there?

Here it is, by popular demand.

Why My Birthday Depresses the Crap Out of Me

Most of my friends know that my birthday is not one of my finest days of the year. The big question this year was, “If your depressed by turning 25, what are you going to do when you turn 50?” My response was always the same; “Be really depressed!” The concept isn’t that hard to understand and hopefully I’ll be able to present my case well enough here that even my readers will become depressed at their birthday. Sort of a messed up goal, but hey, I guess I’m sort of a messed up guy.

Birthdays are a simple idea. All it is really good for is giving you a point during the year at which you can relate your accomplishments and disappoints to. If someone asks you when you did something you say, “Oh yeah. I did that when I was 18.” Yes I do have accomplishments I look back on, but I also have my disappointments. Regardless of how either of those two notions make you feel, the two help demonstrate the master conception: another year of my life is over. Simple as that. Being 24, yeah that’s done, gone, yesterday’s news, just a memory, an infinitesimally small point on the timeline of history. And what will being 25 hold for me? The same thing. And as if the previous year couldn’t have gone by fast enough, this year will go by even faster, and the year after that faster still.

Remember how when you were a kid and would watch Saturday morning cartoons each episode of Thundercats and My Little Pony seemed to take up half the day? Well genius those episodes were just as long as today’s TV shows, being a mere thirty minutes. Yesterday they seemed half the day and now you forget that thirty minutes even existed. A fifteen minute trip to the corner seemed like FOR-EV-ER! Now fifteen minutes isn’t even long enough to use the bathroom in the morning.

Besides, what is there really to look forward to in getting old (as if I’m not already there)? The aches and pains of getting out of bed? The inability to control your bladder? The memory loss, vision loss, hair loss, height loss? Wrinkles, ear hairs, brittle bones, bi-focals, tri-focals, decreased muscle mass, change anxiety, countless wives (did you catch that one?), sleep stage loss, backs that won’t bend, unmentionables that do, countless bills, children, knee problems, feet problems, teeth problems, joint problems, loss of balance, loss of hearing, loss of all things important to you like your friends, families, jobs, significant others, houses, pets, the ability to eat what you want. Honestly need I actually go on?

I see others around me that play the sports and do the activities that I do that are older and frankly you can tell they are older. They move slower, don’t bend over the whole way, fall harder, jump lower, bruise easier, get injured more frequently, get tired faster. I don’t want that.

In my short 25 years of existence more people have come and gone in my life than I care to recognize. High school buddies erased from my life, college best friends never to be heard from again, neighbors that moved away, loved ones that die. And frankly this is just the beginning. In the future I will have more friends disappear, children move on, parents pass away, career changes. Are you depressed yet?
The lives that each of us live seem so small, so insignificant already, do we really need a day to celebrate all that we were and all that we may be, but will soon forget anyway? I’d much rather just be. Forget about the past because it’s in the past, forget about the future because it hasn’t yet come and just live right now, right here. As long as I can do that, I should be a-okay.

Well I did it again. Chalk up another great day in my video gaming career. Let me set the stage. In case you’ve been living in a bubble the last 6 months the first “next generation” video game console that is out in stores is the Microsoft XBox 360. So far, I’m frickin’ impressed. A buddy from work, Mike, picked one up and until yesterday we’d played games on it such as Madden, Call of Duty 2, and even Zuma. Yesterday Mike picked up the new Need for Speed: Most Wanted.

Now I am no stranger to the Need for Speed (NFS) series. One of my all time favorite games for the PC is NFS III: Hot Pursuit. So after helping me install my Sirius satellite radio in my car Mike and I set off to play a little NFS. We sat down around 500PM and began out play. Next thing we new it was 800PM and we were hungry as the dickens! We called for some pizza and called our buddy Josh to join the fun. After a number of arrests, countless races won, and even a drag race or two Josh took off for the evening around 1130PM and the game was once again left to Mike and myself.

It was as if the rest of the world never even existed. 200AM and we were still going strong. We had busted through roadblock after roadblock, destroyed countless personal vehicles and even had our car impounded on an occasion or two. Once 300AM, 2 beers and one heck of a giant root beer came around it was time for me to go. Suddenly once the XBox was turned off the world was suddenly back again. A wave of extreme tiredness came over me and I was left to drive home to my nice bed to try and get some sleep for today’s big evening. A solid 10 hour video game play has not been accomplished since the late days of my college career. NFS: Most Wanted will forever go down in the books along with Super Smash Bros. Melee and Dynasty Warriors III as one of the best, and longest game day in my short 25 year existence.

Have you seen the new greatest show on Earth yet? It goes by the title, “Deal or No Deal.” If you haven’t seen it then you either A). must be living in a mud pit wearing plad pink pants and a brown shirt, or B). are just so full of yourself to never fall into “what’s popular” you refuse to ever watch a single episode. In either event you are a fool! The show requires no real intellectual thought what-so-ever. There are no questions to answer, no stupid physical challenges to accomplish and best of all no Regis Philbin hosting! The host is the very underestimated misunderstood Howie Mandel. Sporting a stylish bald head and love patch these days the man is his usual comical self who seems to find an unusual delight in the tortured nerves of his players.

The concept is simple. The player picks one suitcase out of about 30 and holds on to it the entire game. Each suitcase, sported by a very attractive female, contains a different amount of money ranging anywhere from a penny to one million dollars (please pronounce one million dollars like Dr. Evil holding your pinky up to your mouth because that’s just how it should be read). Once the player picks a case to keep, he begins to open up the left over cases one by one to see what amounts are NOT in his case. After he looks into so many cases the player gets an offer to buy back his case. The offer is based on the dollar amounts left that the player has not yet found in the remaining cases. If the player found a lot of suitcases with low dollar amounts in then the offer will obviously be higher. The deal/no deal part comes in when the player must decide to either take to the offer to buy back his case (deal) or continue playing and picking suitcases (no deal). Frankly if I was on the show I’d pass out from extreme nervousness and disappointment. I sit and watch and I start to sweat for the person. I love it! Here’s to TV shows that are so awful they are awfully good!

By the way, HAPPY SOLSTIVUS everybody!

Let me add one more to the list. This also involves the merging process. Just for clarification purposes, the person merging onto the highway does NOT in any way, shape or form have the right of way. If you are merging onto the highway and the jack**s next to you refuses to get over to the passing lane, or if the passing lane next to him is currently occupied then you must either hit the gas and get up to speed in from of the jack**s, or slow down and gracefully enter the highway flow of traffic behind the current highway occupier. Never, ever, ever should you the merger assume that the highway drivers are going to modify their speed just so you can keep your RPMs at a constant rate on the acceleration ramp. If you’re a bad enough driver that you need to come to a stop on the ramp to work you’re way into traffic then do so, although I would never recommend doing such a ridiculous thing. If you’re having trouble following these simple highway driving techniques I would recommend you stay clear of the highways and spare the rest of us the grief of hassling with you.

Let’s talk about driving for a minute here shall we. Now I know I’ve brought up the topic before but let me just let some of you people out there know how to drive, and by drive I mean drive in a manner that does NOT irritate me.

First of all, merging. Merging is not a difficult task but the key thing to keep in mind is that the purpose of merging is to get up to speed BEFORE you get on the actual highway, not after. I realize that in some locations this is difficult to achieve especially when there is a lot of traffic or the acceleration ramps are short, but around here neither of those two items will ever be the case so let’s get up to speed! This will also spare you of frustration, as I will have no need to cop out of the acceleration lane and accelerate on the actual highway and pass you trying to merge.

Second of all, just because there is snow on the ground doesn’t mean that there is snow on the road causing you to drive at an unreasonable 20 MPH below the legal limit. Also if there is snow on the road but there exists tire lanes in which no snow exists please, PLEASE feel free to also not travel 20 MPH below the actual speed limit.

Finally if you don’t want to use your signal, that is really fine with me. I’d be lying if I said I always use mine. In fact there are times when it is just simply unnecessary, like when it’s two o’clock in the morning and there are no cars around to watch me make a left hand turn. Heck if you’re stopped at a traffic light and don’t want to use it I’ll even let that slide. But if you’re making a turn in the middle of the road and there is someone behind you, please, oh please use your signal so the person following you knows why you are slowing down. And if you put your signal on even before you brake, well let’s face it the world would just be a darn better place.

So to summarize, to be a better driver you should accelerate on the acceleration ramps, don’t go slow when there is no snow on the roads, and use your turn signal when turning off the road. It’s that simple and it will drastically increase all of our qualities of driving. It will also most likely keep me from seeing how close I can come to your bumper without me actually hitting it.

It’s coming and frankly I’m scared to death of it. It connivingly hides in the darkness, in the stillness. It waits until forgotten about and then begins its attack. Its claws pierce flesh deeper than any knife; its bite more painful and long lasting than a broken heart. There is no place to hide, no place to seek refuge for it is not concerned with physical location and position. Timing is its most important element. For without time, it has no form of attack, no existence. It cares nothing about my life, my fear, my pain. Its sole purpose is to cut my legs out from under me and leave me to rot, to suffer, to die. It disguises itself as no one, yet as everyone. There is only one way to defeat it and that is with my death itself. While others have learned live with its presents even befriend it, I doubt I will ever be able to subdue such a creature. Someday I will conquer it I suppose, but until then The Birthday will forever be my fear, my haunting, my depression.

You know how it works by now. We get a big snow one night and I am off to The Knob the next day. That's just how it is. The Workplace can wait. It was great too today. I got to the mountain around 9 AM this morning and there were only two of us there living it up. Have you ever had a mountain all to yourself? No? Shows how much more important I am than you I guess. The only thing I didn't think thru today was preparing my body for a volleyball tournament tomorrow. I have a very bad feeling my feet aren't going to make it too high off the floor tomorrow. Deep mountain snows create burning muscles in the thigh. Hmmm, I wonder if it will ever stop snowing this December? Let's hear it for NOT living south of the Mason-Dixon line! Haha! Suckers!

To respond to Moose's comment I have provided the following statement.

I do still use mp3 formats (with LAME encoding). As big an open source advocate that I am I haven't switched to Ogg Vorbis mainly because of compatibility issues with that format and my music devices. My car, stereos, DVD players, portable disc players, not a single one can play an Ogg Vorbis file (though my iRiver disc player claims it will eventually support it with a firmware upgrade, however they have been saying that for years and countless firmware versions ago). So since I like all those devices that I already own and I don't plan on replacing them anytime soon and I don't plan on converting my music library once anytime soon, I doubt I'll be switching in the foreseeable future.

Speaking of open source though, have you checked out the new version of Mozilla Firefox (1.5)? It supports Del.icio.us bookmarks and I'm all siked about it (you can read more about it here)! For those of you who think I'm being sarcastic here, let me point out that I am still single and for probably obvious reasons...

I think I would consider myself an audiophile. For those of you who don’t know an audiophile is, according to Wikipedia, a person dedicated to high-fidelity sound reproduction and achieving high-quality results in the recording and playback of music. In other words when I rip my music CDs to my PC and other portable devices I like to rip them at a very high quality. My compressed music file of choice? MP3s. I have always been an advocate of the mp3 (except for my brief downfall to wma’s in 2001) since I discovered them back in my junior year of high school. Back then though you could find mp3s on websites and easily download them. It was great! Then freshman year of college I was introduced to Napster. Oh holy illegal, massive downloading, mp3 day! I quickly amplified my music library just overnight! Back then I ripped and downloaded mp3s at a bitrate of 128kbps. This was great until I invested in a fairly nice audio system where the high end sounds of my 128kbps mp3 just didn’t sound good.

About two years ago I began re-ripping my entire music library to mp3s with a bitrate of 192kbps. While this was very nice audio quality, until recently I was curious if maybe I could do any better with keeping the size of my music files still small. Enter in my mp3 savior, LAME.

Just some background info here, there are other music file types out there that don’t loose any information when compressed (called lossless compression) such as the Monkey file type however the size of these files are just too big. WMAs seem to not sound as good as mp3s in my opinion and I just refuse to switch to the Apple formats. While those of you out there claim that I’ll have to switch to an aac format or Apple’s lossless format once I get myself an iPod, I beg to differ and it’s just not going to happen. And here is the reason why.

LAME (LAME Ain’t an Mp3 Encoder) is the answer to my high quality music obsession. Like BASF, LAME doesn’t make the mp3, it makes the mp3 better. How is this so? Well LAME uses some super slick algorithms to compress your audio without a massive loss of sound. It does this by using whats called a variable bit rate (VBR) instead of a constant bit rate (CBR) when doing it’s thing. In other words, when the music in the file is pretty simple, it will use a lower bitrate. If in the middle of the song the music gets more complex, the bitrate supernaturally goes up. The result is an audio file about the size (or maybe even less) of a 192kbps mp3, but sounding way better! Of course this means spending hours and hours re-ripping my CD library once again, but hey sometimes we need to invest a little time so we can invest in great music listening.

If you’re wanting a very nice music ripping bundle, check out a program called Exact Music Copy (EAC) and then download the LAME codec. EAC is pretty complicated but it is a fantastic tool and I may just have to marry it if no women ever enter my life. You can find a very nice online manual for EAC here and from there it will guide you thru the setup and download of everything you’ll ever need to be just like me, a dedicated audiophile!

Hee hee! It's snowing! IT'S SNOWING!!

Let’s talk a little about this lovely state of Pennsylvania. For the purposes of this blog and to keep Roman from discussing the issue any further I will forever refer to Pennsylvania as a state and not a commonwealth for two reasons. One, state is just shorter to type than commonwealth but second and more importantly, there is absolutely no difference between the two. None what-so-ever! It would be like having to use the term flammable with only chemicals and inflammable with anything else that can catch on fire. And that makes about as much sense as a window in an underground bunker. Commonwealth is just the name that four states choose to call themselves (just to satisfy your curiosity those states are Pennsylvania, Massachusetts, Kentucky and Virginia). No more, no less.

Anywho, so Sunday morning I took off to see the Stillers game in good old Pittsburgh, PA. Usually this is all fine and dandy except this Sunday morning I woke up to some ice and snow. Usually this is not a problem, however the snow plows seemed to be hiding somewhere at the time probably playing some form of Snow Plow Soccer with a giant turtle shell and some banana peels. The roads were covered with about an inch of an ice/snow mixture that really provided no vehicle advantage what-so-ever at seven o’ clock in the morning. So I was driving along slip-sliding everywhere on my way to meet people to go to the game. Even the major highways, I repeat, MAJOR HIGHWAYS, were snow covered with only one lane open for what I’ll call semi-fast travel.

So the big mystery (alone with how the Stillers could have possibly lost this weekend) was why were the roads not maintained this weekend? And here in lies my issues with this state. Supposedly PennDOT decided to cut back their spending this year. This cut back includes, but is not limited to working only 40 hours a week and no more than 8 hours a day. So now because this state wants a save a little money I need to jeopardize my life when driving after an evening snow? I don’t think so! Aren’t I paying taxes so this purposefully is NOT the case? Maybe all you other homebodies have no place to go on the weekends, but I’m only 24 and I’ve got stuff to do and places to be! I can’t tell you how many cars I saw this weekend that had ran off the road but I know it was more than the total I saw all of last year!

My solution to the problem? Get your big old state a**es out there and get those roads cleaned up! Not just for me, but for the people that go to church on Sunday mornings, and go shopping at 4AM on Black Friday and those people that go to work in the insane hours of the day. I just don’t get it. We’ve got men, we’ve got plows, we’ve got salt, FIX IT!!! And don’t come back until you do!

Since Andy brought up the subject of Joe Paterno I feel like I should elaborate on his opinion. Being one of those people that didn't go to school at Penn State, but attending a school in the great state of Pennsylvania I became a Penn State fan. Following State's last number of years of football I became one of those people as well that started to doubt the abilities of Joe Pa. The only difference is I still continue to believe that. It's funny, you watch ESPN and all the sports casters who just last year were Joe bashing are now Joe praising! Come on now! Andy is right. If the man were smart he'd go out on top this year, but I'm afraid he's here to stay. The only comfort I can offer is this. Let's face it the man isn't really coaching anymore is he? Sure State's D is great, but the offense is not the typical Joe Paterno. Paterno would never start a true freshman let alone two of them. Also the passing game is just too active for a Joe Pa offense. Whoever it is that is coaching the Nittany Lions is doing a good job this year and hopefully whether Joe is the face of Penn State or not they will be back on top for years to come.

If you want to know how to get me the perfect gift this Christmas/Birthday season you can check this site out! You can actually make it look like you’ve put some thought into what you give me. And the answer is no; that is NOT a picture of me on that web page. Don’t be a smart a**!

There are two days I look forward to all year long. One of them is Christmas and the other is today, Turkey Day! Some might think that this is because of gifts, or family, or the introduction of cold weather. Well it’s not any of those reasons (not that those are a turn off or anything). The big reason I look forward to these two days is the food! Turkey, turkey, turkey! What more could I want? Turkey and mashed potatoes and corn and stuffing and cranberry sauce and pumpkin pie and whatever the heck else is on the table! I usually starve myself from the time I get up until the time we eat just so I can eat more. You know what would be nice? If I had a trap door in my digestive track so I could just eat all day long and never get full. Of course when I am ready for bed I’ll shut the trap door and get full just so I feel like I accomplished something today.

In other news it’s time to gripe about the weather people again. Why? Well it’s snowing outside right now which is great and there is about 2 inches of snow on the ground. The part I’m griping about is that if you look at the weather forecast for my area right now there is only the possibility for snow flurries today and the possible heavy squall. There’s two inches out there!!! I think we’re way past the flurry state here chief. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. How can people predict the weather in the future if they can’t even predict the weather in the past?

Top Ten Reasons to Want to Marry the Stillers:

10. They support their second string QB even when he throws 4 interceptions in one game.

9. This same QB still isn't as bad as Brett Favre.

8. It's all about the football and not the cheerleaders.

7. Two words. Terrible Towel.

6. The players aren't there for the money.

5. Hamburgers state wide are named after their primary QB.

4. They actually run the ball...with a man whose nickname is The Bus.

3. They aren't the Patriots, or a part of Boston Empire.

2. Their safety is some sort of organic magnet attracted to whoever has the ball on the opposing team.

1. They run plays where during a reverse their running back pitches it to their wide receiver who then proceeds to throw a perfect pass for 51 yards to their other wide receiver down field who catches the pass for one heck of a touchdown. Boo YA!

Why? It's a questions every single person has asked himself at least a dozen times. Today I asked this myself. Regarding what you ask? First let me set the scene...

To some people's surprise I still work at a camp during the summer. And although I take 2 weeks vacation from my current job each summer to be able to do this, I do enjoy myself and so do the kids. Anywho, Ever since I've started working there 4 years ago I've gotten to be good friends with another fellow counselor whom I'll call "Justin". Now "Justin" is a great guy, don't get me wrong, but the guy is the biggest movie buff in the history of the 21st century (which started in the year 2001 by the way, NOT 2000). This past summer was the first summer that the two of us roomed together, which at first I was a little concerned about (he's quite messy and darn proud of it) but soon grew accustomed too (my roommate for 3 years in college was a slob too). Justin is such a big movie fan that he owns movies that nobody has even heard of. It's quite possible he even owns Japanese movies that the Japanese have never heard of. It was always a race back to the dorm after camp was over for the day. If I got there first it was Nintendo's Beach Spikers for the next 3 hours. If Justin got there first, it was some noname, or really bad movie (I don't know how many times I had to watch Jackie Chan sing his stupid song from Mulan).

So one day I loose the race and I walk in the room and Justin is watching some black and white movie with awful acting, a poorly dressed mutant and a dancing skeleton with the wires clearing visible. The movie was called The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra and it was by far the worse movie I had ever seen in my entire life. So incredibly bad and boring that I fell asleep within the first 15 minutes of me watching it. Never, no matter how bad, had I ever fallen asleep during a movie before.

So back to my original story. Today while taking a break from the wonderful world of college football I came across the above movie on a cable channel. I recognized the movie immediately and recalled how horribly bad it was when I had last viewed it over 5 months ago. And to defy all human nature, what did I do? Instead of turning back to the college games, I stayed on the channel and watched the entire movie in all it's awfulness. And all during the movie, to my own surprise and bewilderment I asked myself, "Why?"

Hi. My name is James and I have been video game free for 4 months now. It’s no secret that I am a video game junkie. In fact I would consider myself a videogame-oholic. And just like any other person addicted to some substance, whether it be physical or virtual, once I start, I can’t stop.

Despite my one time, ten hour straight marathon of Dynasty Warriors 3 and my secret affection for Morgan Webb, friends still call me to find out what is the latest and greatest in the video game realm. With keeping my addiction under control, my gaming lately has been very scarce. I feed my hunger by watching reruns of X-Play and wearing Mario Kart: Double Dash t-shirts.

But with the 2005 Christmas season quickly approaching, we are coming into another video game counsel escapade. Here are my thoughts on the matter.

The new XBox 360° is quite impressive indeed. I give it bonus props for using my favorite beverage, Mountain Dew, to advertise for the counsel and give them away every hour. The only downside is I already have one sitting right in front of me. I also have an original XBox as well. Sorry to burst your Microsoft gaming bubbles, but XBoxes, no matter how many times they spin around, will always be just glorified gaming PCs. Call me crazy but if I’m going to play games like Halo and Quake I’d rather have my trusty mouse and keyboard in my grip.

Moving on, Nintendo is going just crazy these days. First up is the new Game Boy Micro. It’s pretty slick and tiny. It mimics the old style NES controller with the D-Pad and the A, B buttons, but with a tiny screen in between. A pretty neat concept, but may be just a bit to small to really get into. I’ve tried to play NES games on my PDA and the buttons are just too darn close and small. But without having ever tried to play a Micro, maybe it’s completely different. It can play any GBA game so it already has a ton of games you can play on it.

Finally the big story here is the upcoming Nintendo Revolution. Sounds pretty incredible really, plus as always, Nintendo came up with a pretty cool codename for it (remember the Dolphin? Yeah it should have stayed that). Anywho, right now I’m pretty nervous about its controller. It’s completely…well…revolutionary. It’s a remote control style controller device that you might use to slice, dice, spin and win. Along with a built-in D-Pad, buttons, and expansion analog stick, the Revolution controller will also know your body movements. Maybe it’s just me, but if I’m playing a game where I want Link to slash his sword, I don’t want to actually to the slashing myself. These are video games after all not exercise routines. Call me old fashion but I like my two-handed, thumb controller and I’m not quite sure I’m ready to give it up to jump around the room like a 5 year old just to knock open a question mark block or two.

What I learned about Wisconsin during my first ever visit and long two day stay there:

1. Not as many people speak with the Fargo accent than I had hoped.
2. The state is completely flat. As one person put it, "flat as pee on a plate." What does that even mean??
3. They know how to drink. There a Bloody Mary is served in a beer glass and is followed by a cocktail chaser of beer.
4. Newly erect Walmarts require outdated and stupid traffic circles.
5. Rush hour traffic looks like this:
   
6. Most people there are closet Viking fans...Who would have guessed?
7. They get a whole week off for school at the start of the hunting season, not just one day (I realize people outside of PA might not get any. As someone who has never hunted, I enjoyed the free day off from school to sleep).
8. The people there give you cheese. Lots and lots and lots of cheese. I don't like cheese . . .