Monday, February 12, 2007

I’m a shallow fellow. I’ll admit it. But so are the other 3.36 billion males and 3.33 billion females on this rock we call a planet. Well okay maybe not everybody but I’m pretty sure most people are they are just too stuck on themselves to admit it. Anywho from time to time friends will tell me about some chick they know or someone they want to hook me up with. Typically this response is met with much skepticism, but almost always my response is in regards to what she looks like (I know extremely shallow but it’s the truth). In order for my friends to effectively communicate the person-in-question’s attractiveness, I have come up with the following ratings of attractiveness. Please Note: Under no circumstances should any of my readers ever ask me where they fall on my rating definitions. EVER! Second Note: This ranking system is based on physical appearance only! While personality does play a role in overall attractiveness, it has nothing to do with Captain Jimmy’s Chick Ranking System.

Hot – This would mean the person is just down right, drop dead gorgeous. Legs are nice, body is nice, and the face could (and should) be on a magazine cover. If looks could kill, she’d be cancer (ironic since cancer is pretty ugly to look at).

Pretty – Since hot is pretty darn hard to achieve (and sometimes undesirable due to personality restrictions), pretty is next highest on the rankings. This chick may not be the star in every single one of your fantasies but she definitely plays a major role! And she’s still the envy of all your friends.

Cute – Nothing wrong with this chick either. Most attractive girls fall under this category in my opinion because cute allows for imperfections. Cute is “the girl next door” who is completely down to earth but still turning some heads. Since you can rarely have perfection, this ranking is one of the next best things.

Doesn’t Hurt to Look At – I coined this term back in my college days. When asked to describe what some girl looked like, I thought a good minute before responding with this ranking. Grant it while my female friend that asked me the question to begin with was slightly appalled; I thought my answer was uncannily honest. This ain’t your typical Sally Walker walkin’ down the street, but to be honest, there are more attractive people out there.

Average – Pretty much what it sounds like. Most of the 3.33 billion women within an 8000-mile radius fall under this category. There’s lots of leeway in this ranking and unfortunately these people tend to have a great personality and are often overlooked because Hot No-Personality Girl is walking right past her and well . . . damn!

Yike! – I hate to write about this one, but it must be done. Sadly there are people out there that physical appearance-wise just need some help. A lot of help. They could be the nicest person in the world, but sadly they don’t own a mirror. In my opinion most women have the potential of a Doesn’t Hurt to Look At (without surgery and the like), but some people just opt to not help themselves. I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe they don’t want to spend the time or think they aren’t worth it, but the fact is they are worth it and they’d be amazed at how much better their lives (and mine) could be if they only invested in themselves a little bit.

So there you have. Is it heartless and cruel that I have such a rating system? I’m sure some of you think so. The sad fact is that the first thing we notice about a person is what they look like. That’s just how life goes. And the majority of us are sizing others up well before we have a chance to talk to them. Of course if you keep an open mind about people in general, it will be much easier to form opinions about people based off of the person and not their appearance. But a rating system does help a twenty-some year old when trying to determine if a blind date is worth the time. If you take my stance though, no more blind dates (unless she’s hot), this should never be an issue.

1 comment:

DMM said...

Well you forgot the Butterface description in your ranking system - everything is great but her face...

I think everyone has a ranking system - now entering in my 30s and newly single being top dog in my ranking system is pretty hard to acheive.