Wednesday, February 28, 2007

I’m not exactly sure how I feel about older women sporting nose rings or studs. I was at Bed, Bath and Beyond the other day and the cashier that checked me out, err checked my items out, err assisted me with my purchase rather, was wearing a nose stud and was probably in her late thirties. Now my dad would probably knock me for considering her an “older woman” but let’s face it, late thirties is more than ten years older than I. Anywho, her nose stud caught me a little off guard. Now don’t get me wrong; I have some friends with nose studs although grant it they are roughly all my age and I don’t think they look bad. My thought on nose studs is this: the nose stud doesn’t make you more attractive, but it can be an enhancement if you are already attractive enough to pull it off. Makeup, for instance, can make someone more attractive. If you’re an ugly gal and apply some makeup, generally this will make you less ugly (unless of course you stink at applying makeup). If however you’re an ugly gal and decide to pierce your snot factory, you will not become less ugly. That’s just how it is.

So back to my original thought. Can older women pull off the nose ring or stud? Let me just clear something up right now. I’m not a fan of the ring. The stud is quite all right, but the actual ring, well it’s just makes you look like a bull. I think really only time will tell who can pull off the nose piercing. Right now I think it just looks weird for older women (and it always does and will for men) to show off their studs but as my generation gets older it will probably become more commonplace and less awkward looking. I do know this for sure though, any grandma with a giant piece of metal in her tongue will never ever look normal to me.

I don't even remember why I was writing this post to begin with. I really need more of a life here.

Wednesday, February 21, 2007

In case you didn’t know, I love to eat pie (I also love the number pi, but that’s a different story all together), and the best pies in this entire galaxy are made by my Grandma B. In case you have been entirely sheltered your extremely bizarre life and never had pie before, here’s The Captain’s list of all time favorite pies if you’re looking to live a little and eat one sometime. Of course my opinions on this matter are completely biases as all the pies I’ll be referencing are made by my grandma (did I mention she makes the best pies ever?). So without further adieu, here’s Captain Jimmy’s All Time Favorite Pies (not Pis; there’s only one of those).

8. Chocolate Pudding Pie – While I do like chocolate pudding I’m not a huge fan of the egg white foam topping off this delicious pie. Basically that’s the only reason this pie bottoms out at number 8. Saying this pie is my least favorite of the pies though is like saying The Phantom Menace is my least favorite movie of the Star Wars saga. I’m still obsessed; there are just better ones out there.

7. Shoofly Pie – Evidence of my Pennsylvania Dutch heritage, this pie’s wonderful molasses center sticks this pie at the number seven spot. My only aversion to this pie is that my add-on whipped cream topping doesn’t stick to the soft powder-crumb topping. No worries though. A scoop of whipped cream followed by a scoop of pie with my fork never hurt anyone!

6. Lemon Pie – As a child I hated this pie because I thought it tasted like Pledge, you know that cleaning solution stuff. Recently I had a taste of this pie again 15 years later and while it still tasted like Pledge, my taste has apparently changed for some reason to really like the taste of Pledge, oddly enough. The only reason this pie couldn’t clean up anymore than number six is because I’ve only had it once in the last 15 years.

5. Cherry Pie – This sweet, yet sour pie really tests my taste buds. While not quite as American as apple pie this pie might be the next well know type of pie (I’m sure you’ve heard the song Cherry Pie by Warrant). I don’t quite know how both the sweet and the sour tastes can exist at the same time, but it’s definitely the cherry (pie) on the top of my sundae!

4. Pumpkin Pie – Everyone who celebrates Thanksgiving Day, or Christmas probably has the traditional pumpkin pie for desert with their giant meal. What The Brother-In-Law has quickly learned however is that this pie shouldn’t really be treated as a seasonal goodie, but should be eaten during any time of the year. While I have no idea how a pumpkin made up of giant seeds and orange stringy glop can be formed into a fantastic custard that tastes so wonderfully delicious, I could really care less. I don’t know whether it was the Pilgrims or Native Americans that the stories say brought this item to the first Thanksgiving dinner, but I do know that whomever it was, they were one heck of a pie connoisseur.

3. Blueberry Pie – It’s sweet, it’s good, and it’s purple. What’s not to like? If pies could talk trash to other pies I’m pretty sure this one would do its share by saying stuff like, “You taste like smut,” or, “Your momma was a hooker,” or possibly even, “I had sex with your wife!” Its attitude is well justified though as this pie nearly tops the charts at number three.

2. Peach Pie – While this is The Sister’s favorite pie, it falls just short of the obvious number one on my list. In reality, what is there that this pie cannot do? I’m still working on the calculations but somehow I’m going to prove that the Golden Ratio is used in making this pie. I don’t know how, but anything that tastes this good has to have some kind of beautiful mathematics involved. I just know it!

1. Apple Pie – I feel like the movies have really put shame to my big number one pie of all time. This is not a pie that should be screwed around with (literally). Unlike America’s football team, America’s pie definitely soars above its competition (that’s right, I said the Cowboys stink!). The Bible surely left out a verse in Genesis because after God created the universe we have come to know, I guarantee He sat down and had Himself a ginormous piece of apple pie. Then He saw that it was good and thought that His children could only eat something that good in moderation so He made pie pans roughly 9” round. Tasting this pie is truly like tasting the divine (only in a non-cannibalistic way of course).

So there you have it. The Captain’s top 8 pies of all time! If I missed your favorite pie it’s probably not because I didn’t like it but because I never had it. So if you want me to critique your favorite pie, come make it for me. Of course my list left out the infamous pizza pie, but let's face it. Pizza is in a category all in its own.

Monday, February 19, 2007

I gripe about driving quite often on The Blog, but frankly people irritate the crap out of me with their driving and here’s why:

The first thing is merging. Sweet lord do people stink at it here. In case you were curious (which obviously no body is) the proper way to merge onto a major interstate is to get up to speed before actually merging onto the interstate. Now let me define the “get up to speed” part because that apparently confuses people too. Now I understand that by definition speed limit means that is the fastest you should be going. But in reality this means that by all means you should be making your best effort to maintain this speed, if not go 5 over. I’ll come back to this after I finish my gripe about merging. So yeah, when you cross that white line to officially be on the highway you should at that point be going the speed limit. The actual highway is NOT where you should be accelerating. If you are, you merged completely incorrectly and I am now flying past you, staring with a confused look on my face that says, “What the flip are you doing?” in the left lane. The same goes when getting off the highway. Decelerate once you are off the actual interstate. Now there are times when the deceleration ramp is too small to do this, in which it is okay to slow down before getting on the ramp, but frankly here in PA, rarely will you find this. We have obsessively large entrance and exit ramps for our interstates and we should use them as such.

Now, back to the speed limit grip. Yes I understand sometimes the weather calls for you to slow down to under the speed limit. However one example when this is not the case is when there is snow on the side of the road (key words there are side of the road). If there is no snow on the driving road, or there are perfectly dry 2 feet wide tire paths, the speed limit should then be maintained until driving actually does become hazardous. Also just because its nighttime doesn’t mean the speed limit has decreased; remember that. 50 MPH during the day is the same speed as 50 MPH during the night. Just like Shakira’s hips, your speedometer doesn’t lie. Oh yeah and just blatantly ignoring the speed limit by going slow is just irresponsible and obviously tells me that you are not paying attention to road signs whatsoever and you should be removed from the roadways immediately.

I’m not exactly sure why these things bother me. I’m not really in a rush to get anywhere. I guess I just think if we are allowed to drive vehicles weighing thousands of pounds and affect tons of people all around us, we should not be driving in a idiotic, brainless, dim-witted matter. Of course, just like everything else on The Blog, this is my opinion.

Friday, February 16, 2007

The Neighbor wanted me to post the following entry so Happy Valentine’s Day to her!

Unless you’ve been living on the planet Kashyyyk with all the smelly, hairy Wookies you would have known that this past Wednesday was Valentine’s Day. As most people would probably tell you, it’s a holiday for lovers and the romantics. Couples get each other gifts ranging from chocolates to roses to fine, expensive jewelry. Now as it happens I am a single guy and have been for probably about 89% of the Valentine’s Days I have been alive for. This means that I might have celebrated some form of the holiday, either gift giving or what have you, maybe three times in my life. Some people read this fact and think, “Awe, that’s so sad” or “He needs a girlfriend.” But I however must request you to reconsider.

It seems to be a pretty popular belief that single people are rather unhappy with being single (as evident by the sheer amount of people that wish to “hook us up”). While this may hold true in some cases, I think the majority of singles are rather happy and content with being single. Now I’m not saying that I would be unhappy in a relationship, I’m just stating that I am at ease with my singlehood. Being single is not something that should be looked upon as a disability and just like the disabled I am not looking for, nor desire your sympathy of my state of life. Frankly I am not ashamed by it, nor am I unhappy with myself. I am not looking to be set up with anybody nor do I enjoy those that try to do so. I’m not looking to join couples on their dates out of pity because let me tell you, that is just oh so much fun! I’m not depressed because I’m 26 and not married. I’m not miserable because I spend some nights by myself with a good book, movie or video game. I have friends that I enjoy being around and hanging out with, and I have hobbies that I enjoy doing by myself like snowboarding and reading. I’m not searching desperately for romance nor am I sulking around because I have no one special to spend my free time with. I am very comfortable with who I am and what I do. It doesn’t matter that I’m a guy, as I know some girls that feel the same way (although it does appear that more males enjoy the single life than females).

So on this Valentine’s Day I am opting to not celebrate that holiday but instead partake in what I like to call Single Awareness Day. Yes we the single population are out there, and yes we are content with who we are and how we live. We don’t desperately desire a significant other and we definitely don’t want to be forced into a relationship by a friend who thinks we do. We aren’t to be feared, or misunderstood. We are simply a joyful people that want nothing more but to live our lives day-to-day, minute-by-minute with little expectation of the immediate future. If we were to come across a relationship in our lives we would definitely be content but until then, we will remain satisfied and pleased with our current lifestyles.

Monday, February 12, 2007

I’m a shallow fellow. I’ll admit it. But so are the other 3.36 billion males and 3.33 billion females on this rock we call a planet. Well okay maybe not everybody but I’m pretty sure most people are they are just too stuck on themselves to admit it. Anywho from time to time friends will tell me about some chick they know or someone they want to hook me up with. Typically this response is met with much skepticism, but almost always my response is in regards to what she looks like (I know extremely shallow but it’s the truth). In order for my friends to effectively communicate the person-in-question’s attractiveness, I have come up with the following ratings of attractiveness. Please Note: Under no circumstances should any of my readers ever ask me where they fall on my rating definitions. EVER! Second Note: This ranking system is based on physical appearance only! While personality does play a role in overall attractiveness, it has nothing to do with Captain Jimmy’s Chick Ranking System.

Hot – This would mean the person is just down right, drop dead gorgeous. Legs are nice, body is nice, and the face could (and should) be on a magazine cover. If looks could kill, she’d be cancer (ironic since cancer is pretty ugly to look at).

Pretty – Since hot is pretty darn hard to achieve (and sometimes undesirable due to personality restrictions), pretty is next highest on the rankings. This chick may not be the star in every single one of your fantasies but she definitely plays a major role! And she’s still the envy of all your friends.

Cute – Nothing wrong with this chick either. Most attractive girls fall under this category in my opinion because cute allows for imperfections. Cute is “the girl next door” who is completely down to earth but still turning some heads. Since you can rarely have perfection, this ranking is one of the next best things.

Doesn’t Hurt to Look At – I coined this term back in my college days. When asked to describe what some girl looked like, I thought a good minute before responding with this ranking. Grant it while my female friend that asked me the question to begin with was slightly appalled; I thought my answer was uncannily honest. This ain’t your typical Sally Walker walkin’ down the street, but to be honest, there are more attractive people out there.

Average – Pretty much what it sounds like. Most of the 3.33 billion women within an 8000-mile radius fall under this category. There’s lots of leeway in this ranking and unfortunately these people tend to have a great personality and are often overlooked because Hot No-Personality Girl is walking right past her and well . . . damn!

Yike! – I hate to write about this one, but it must be done. Sadly there are people out there that physical appearance-wise just need some help. A lot of help. They could be the nicest person in the world, but sadly they don’t own a mirror. In my opinion most women have the potential of a Doesn’t Hurt to Look At (without surgery and the like), but some people just opt to not help themselves. I’m not exactly sure why. Maybe they don’t want to spend the time or think they aren’t worth it, but the fact is they are worth it and they’d be amazed at how much better their lives (and mine) could be if they only invested in themselves a little bit.

So there you have. Is it heartless and cruel that I have such a rating system? I’m sure some of you think so. The sad fact is that the first thing we notice about a person is what they look like. That’s just how life goes. And the majority of us are sizing others up well before we have a chance to talk to them. Of course if you keep an open mind about people in general, it will be much easier to form opinions about people based off of the person and not their appearance. But a rating system does help a twenty-some year old when trying to determine if a blind date is worth the time. If you take my stance though, no more blind dates (unless she’s hot), this should never be an issue.

Saturday, February 10, 2007

With how widespread and far-reaching the Internet is today, it has become easier and easier to express ourselves to the world thru various different mediums such as writings, pictures, and videos. As an inhabitant of this country, the Constitution protects my rights to free speech allowing me the liberty to express my opinion to whomever I choose (to a certain extent). It is becoming more and more frequent though for people to be punished in this country for speaking their mind. Why is this? Our opinions are no long just heard by a select few. It’s easy to control information when data flow is extremely limited. Now however, since the world is exposed to the Internet, the bottleneck and restrictions on the way communications used to be has been completely made over. As a blogger it is more apparent to me that I am being targeted because my opinion is heard not only by my small group of friends anymore but also by people around the globe that I don’t even know. People are reading about my thoughts on Life, The Workplace, people, religion, and anything and everything else. Honestly this is a dangerous thing. People’s opinions are dangerous. A lot of people don’t care to hear other’s opinions especially when it clashes with their own opinion or their lives (which makes me wonder why they choose to acknowledge other’s opinions in the first place). Take for instance these two girls that wrote about the Catholic Church on their personal blogs. They work for John Edwards on his campaign. Some supporters of the Catholic Church (and not of Edwards obviously) wanted these two girls fired for some opinions expressed on women in the church. As bloggers, that will only add fuel to their American Rights Fire. Edwards however decided to not fire to bloggers, instead accepting regrets written by the two women.

With so much of our country being run off of commercialism, any bad publicity has become grounds for punishment. How long will this continue on? If our constitutional rights continue to be baked over by commercialism and people’s hurt feelings, where does that leave us that just want to let other’s know what we think? Is there no place for expressing creativity and opinions in the country anymore? Yes lets all be mindless drones that agree with everyone else where nothing is accomplished and there is no need to change. Sounds like a wonderful place! Where do I sign up? Better yet, where’s the door?

Monday, February 05, 2007

I’m having some issues in life right now. If you care to hear what they are, continue reading.
  • If it’s cold enough for the schools to close, then it should be cold enough for The Workplace to close, especially when the geothermal heating is not working.
  • The Super Bowl in 56 inches of high def, absolutely amazing! A 3 second plus delay between audio and video, nothing short of bewilderment.
  • Snow falling from the sky day after day after day could be the most wonderful thing that has happened this winter; however the fact that there is less snow on the ground in the evening than in the morning day after day after day just irritates the crap out of me!
  • If Cingular used to be AT&T, and is now becoming the New AT&T what will it be in another 2 years? The New Cingular? What kind of sick f’in game is this? Its times like these I’m glad I’m a Verizon customer. At least the Death Star AT&T logo is back.
  • “Secret secrets are no fun. Secret secrets hurt someone.” So does my bed board when I walk into it!
  • Why does there always have to be a reason for someone nearly passing out when giving blood? Why can’t you just accept the fact that sometimes I do it, sometimes I don’t? I don’t try to do it purposefully. Does it look like I’m having fun to you, sweating and turning white? I eat, I drink, I give; let’s just leave it at that and call it a day.
  • Did I mention the wind chill is 30 below? Flip that’s cold!!
  • Drinking 72 ounces of water and eating a doughnut or two in 1.5 hours can make you gain 6 pounds in, well, 1.5 hours. Drinking 72 ounces of water will also make you pee at least 5 times in the 1.5 hours that follows. This is not good when you’re half a building’s length from the bathroom. Your pants also get a little tighter after the 9 cups of water.
  • If you had my Luck and all the Colts had to do was kick an obvious 30 yard field goal on fourth down with a few minutes left in the game to absolutely seal a Super Bowl victory and win me $120, you wouldn’t have won $120 either. Why wouldn’t you kick the field goal?!!! WHY?!!!!!!!