Wednesday, February 21, 2007

In case you didn’t know, I love to eat pie (I also love the number pi, but that’s a different story all together), and the best pies in this entire galaxy are made by my Grandma B. In case you have been entirely sheltered your extremely bizarre life and never had pie before, here’s The Captain’s list of all time favorite pies if you’re looking to live a little and eat one sometime. Of course my opinions on this matter are completely biases as all the pies I’ll be referencing are made by my grandma (did I mention she makes the best pies ever?). So without further adieu, here’s Captain Jimmy’s All Time Favorite Pies (not Pis; there’s only one of those).

8. Chocolate Pudding Pie – While I do like chocolate pudding I’m not a huge fan of the egg white foam topping off this delicious pie. Basically that’s the only reason this pie bottoms out at number 8. Saying this pie is my least favorite of the pies though is like saying The Phantom Menace is my least favorite movie of the Star Wars saga. I’m still obsessed; there are just better ones out there.

7. Shoofly Pie – Evidence of my Pennsylvania Dutch heritage, this pie’s wonderful molasses center sticks this pie at the number seven spot. My only aversion to this pie is that my add-on whipped cream topping doesn’t stick to the soft powder-crumb topping. No worries though. A scoop of whipped cream followed by a scoop of pie with my fork never hurt anyone!

6. Lemon Pie – As a child I hated this pie because I thought it tasted like Pledge, you know that cleaning solution stuff. Recently I had a taste of this pie again 15 years later and while it still tasted like Pledge, my taste has apparently changed for some reason to really like the taste of Pledge, oddly enough. The only reason this pie couldn’t clean up anymore than number six is because I’ve only had it once in the last 15 years.

5. Cherry Pie – This sweet, yet sour pie really tests my taste buds. While not quite as American as apple pie this pie might be the next well know type of pie (I’m sure you’ve heard the song Cherry Pie by Warrant). I don’t quite know how both the sweet and the sour tastes can exist at the same time, but it’s definitely the cherry (pie) on the top of my sundae!

4. Pumpkin Pie – Everyone who celebrates Thanksgiving Day, or Christmas probably has the traditional pumpkin pie for desert with their giant meal. What The Brother-In-Law has quickly learned however is that this pie shouldn’t really be treated as a seasonal goodie, but should be eaten during any time of the year. While I have no idea how a pumpkin made up of giant seeds and orange stringy glop can be formed into a fantastic custard that tastes so wonderfully delicious, I could really care less. I don’t know whether it was the Pilgrims or Native Americans that the stories say brought this item to the first Thanksgiving dinner, but I do know that whomever it was, they were one heck of a pie connoisseur.

3. Blueberry Pie – It’s sweet, it’s good, and it’s purple. What’s not to like? If pies could talk trash to other pies I’m pretty sure this one would do its share by saying stuff like, “You taste like smut,” or, “Your momma was a hooker,” or possibly even, “I had sex with your wife!” Its attitude is well justified though as this pie nearly tops the charts at number three.

2. Peach Pie – While this is The Sister’s favorite pie, it falls just short of the obvious number one on my list. In reality, what is there that this pie cannot do? I’m still working on the calculations but somehow I’m going to prove that the Golden Ratio is used in making this pie. I don’t know how, but anything that tastes this good has to have some kind of beautiful mathematics involved. I just know it!

1. Apple Pie – I feel like the movies have really put shame to my big number one pie of all time. This is not a pie that should be screwed around with (literally). Unlike America’s football team, America’s pie definitely soars above its competition (that’s right, I said the Cowboys stink!). The Bible surely left out a verse in Genesis because after God created the universe we have come to know, I guarantee He sat down and had Himself a ginormous piece of apple pie. Then He saw that it was good and thought that His children could only eat something that good in moderation so He made pie pans roughly 9” round. Tasting this pie is truly like tasting the divine (only in a non-cannibalistic way of course).

So there you have it. The Captain’s top 8 pies of all time! If I missed your favorite pie it’s probably not because I didn’t like it but because I never had it. So if you want me to critique your favorite pie, come make it for me. Of course my list left out the infamous pizza pie, but let's face it. Pizza is in a category all in its own.


Andy said...

Next time you're in Stow, Ohio, you have to pick up a Coconut Cream Pie from Osman Pies. It will make your top eight unless you're some sort of coconut hating ninny like Janet.

Janet said...

My favorite is raspberry (or some sort of raspberry/blackberry/black raspberry combo). My mom picks the berries from the backyard or gets them from my best friend's farm. Maybe it's a Vermont thing.