In case you have been out of the bar/club scene for a while, here's your chance to get clued in to the Do's and Don'ts of today's music hoppin', alcohol consumin', chick sweatin', smoke fumigatin', drug dopin', glass droppin', dance crazin' club scene. Keep in mind that my experience has been solely influenced by the city of Altoona, PA. In other words your bars and clubs are probably not as trashy and hole-in-the-wall-ish as the ones I frequent, but I'm sure these little helpers hold true to just about anywhere.

• Do make sure you have your ID ready at the door. Especially if you don't attend the club every Friday and Saturday, or if you don't have a pretty face or big boobs or if the bouncer is a complete idiot and doesn't remember you when you show up every Friday and Saturday.
• Don't complain to your friends at your table when you are NOT carded because you’re 30. Quite frankly all your friends will do is laugh at you because you’re old.
• Do make sure you hold on to your drinks tight when you’re going at it like Ricky Martin on the dance floor, especially if you’re sweating.
• Don't try and pick up your broken glass or bottle that you just dropped with all the other Ricky Martins going at it like Jim Carry with a frog down his pants. This may cause severe painless bleeding that won’t be perceived until you have a giant blood stain on your pants or your foot is wet and red.
• Don't make a face or comment if you’re a waitress and your customer is drinking a Pepsi instead of a beer. I’m sorry for upsetting you when I’m trying to be responsible. Clearly, what am I thinking?
• Do make sure you still tip your waitress after they throw a snide comment your way because you’re not drinking beer. This ensures that the flow of Pepsi will continue to be regenerated in your direction.
• Do make sure you wear underwear under your extremely high-cut mini skirt, especially if you plan on dancing. This ensures that, even though you’re slutty and high as a kite, you don’t end up showing off your privates to half the dance stage.
• Don't be hypocritical when it comes to whom you dance with. If you’re willing to dance with anything that has two legs but then as soon as no-underwear chick shows you her real hair color you get appalled, you can't leave her and go over to your friends and say, “Wow that’s just nasty!”
• Do be friendly with the band especially if they come to talk to you or if they ask you to sing into the mic while you’re on the dance floor.
• Don't yell requests at the top of your lungs in between songs from your table, especially when the songs you’re requesting are complete crap and no one wants to hear them, not even you.
• Do make sure to do some people watching and keep a smile on your face at all times. It will make you very approachable which is good if that's the kind of thing you're after.
• Don't be the creepy lone staring person that stands on the edge of the dance floor with their drink in hand, arms crossed just watching the whole night long as if pondering which person they are going to grab, abuse and then throw in the trunk of their car, or more likely the bed of their beat up pick-up.

So remember, the club scene can be a fun time. If you abide by these Do's and Don'ts you should never have a problem enjoying yourself. Now of course there will be memories you wish you didn't have from that evening, but then again, when are you not out with friends where you don't come away with wanting to not remember something? Oh yeah, the final Do: Do make sure you're with good friends and not ones that ditch you for the band, no matter how trashy and disgusting they may be (the band, not your friends, although I guess that could work for a friend too, but I doubt you'd be their friend if they were trashy and disgusting).