I typically don't write about specific other people (in general) however I'm willing to make an exception in this case. I'll change the names here to protect the innocent though (although if you'd consider any of the people mentioned in this post innocent you must be on drugs or something). So this past weekend there was the annual First Rites beach volleyball tournament in Rehoboth Beach, DE. I came out with a nice 3rd place victory on Saturday and a 1st place win on Sunday. But I'm not really here to talk about that. If you aren't familiar with Rehoboth Beach, well then either you haven't been reading this blog for more than a couple months, or you're not up on your current Delaware beach geography. It's funny. I'll tell someone that I'm going to Rehoboth Beach for the weekend and they usually respond with, "Oh the gay beach?" "Yup that's the one."

Rehoboth Beach is known mostly for its, well its homosexual atmosphere. If you're not into playing for my team, and you're looking for a good time at the beach, Rehoboth is the place to be. Just to make myself clear, I'm not homophobic, nor do I hate these individuals. Just because I don't share their same viewpoint on members of the same sex doesn't mean I don't like them or am afraid of them. So now that we have that cleared, let's move onto my story shall we.

Some friends and I were groovin' at the Frog Pond Saturday night. Now in case you haven't read my post on bars that are named after animals and colors, dated 05.20.2006, then you should check that out first before reading on. We go to the Frog Pond because there is a great band that plays there and the music is pretty much the best around. The fact that chicks are making out with each other all over the place really doesn't inspire me to be there (mostly because they aren't as hot as they should be). So like I was saying, some friends and I were out getting down with our bad selves on the dance floor when suddenly a stranger named Kathy approached my friend Darla. Kathy reached a hand out as if to introduce herself to Darla. For the first couple moments I thought perhaps that these two dancing machines knew one another. Approximately 3.14 seconds after that thought, I realized what was actually going on there.

Now picture 5 friends dancing in a small circle having a good ol' time: loud music, drinks in hand, smiles all around, wild crowd surrounding them. Now picture only those 5 people stop dancing in an instant with super large eyes and mouths wide open while the rest of the club continues to jam. It was a scene right out of some horrible porno made in my buddy Tim's basement.

Finally Darla extended her hand which allowed Kathy to shake Darla's hand for what seemed like minutes on end. Kathy's mouth was going none stop while Darla just held her gaze with eyes the size of golf balls and a jaw dropped half way to the floor. Finally after what seemed like ten minutes (probably only really being less than one Earth minute, unfortunately the mind seemed to wonder while all this was going on mostly to the thought of, "Why is Darla not talking??") Kathy left. There Darla stood, unmoving, like a deer caught in the headlights of an encroaching sports car. Now I don't remember if it was one person or all of us at the same time but I know at least one person said, "Who the heck was that?!!" According to Darla, who may or may not have been actually experiencing some form of disrupted reality at that point in time, the conversation when like this:

Kathy: Hi, my name is Kathy.
Darla: (head slightly nodding) Uh huh . . .
Kathy: I was sitting over there at the bar and thought you looked pretty awesome and hot.
Darla: (head slightly nodding) Uh huh . . .
Kathy: So I just moved here not to long ago from [enter city of choice here] and just got out of a three year, long term relationship. My dad died not to long ago and since then I have been blah blah blah blah blah.
Darla: (head slightly nodding) Uh huh . . .

At that point Kathy finally walked away. Note how there was no introduction from Darla, nor was there an exchange of greetings or farewells. All Darla could muster up was the phrase "Uh huh." I mean seriously here. How much nerve does it take to walk up to some stranger in a club, obviously dancing with a small group of friends, and tell them you think they're hot (and gay for that matter)? A heck of a lot more than I'll ever have. What makes this story even better is the person Darla was dancing next to during all this was her boyfriend. Who, by the way, was just as speechless as the rest of us and said absolutely nothing during the above conversation. Now Darla claims to have been giving him the I-need-help-now-idiot eyes, but I can assure you that wasn't the case. And frankly when you're witnessing a train wreck, there really isn't anything to say to anyone at that time.

But I think the best part of the night, may have been the car ride back to the house. During the walk to the car all we did was recap and laugh at the incident. Then, after about 2.72 minutes in the car Erin buzzingly blurted out, "I'm sort of jealous! Honestly why didn't some chick hit on me? What do I need to be wearing some kind of color or something?"

In case you have been out of the bar/club scene for a while, here's your chance to get clued in to the Do's and Don'ts of today's music hoppin', alcohol consumin', chick sweatin', smoke fumigatin', drug dopin', glass droppin', dance crazin' club scene. Keep in mind that my experience has been solely influenced by the city of Altoona, PA. In other words your bars and clubs are probably not as trashy and hole-in-the-wall-ish as the ones I frequent, but I'm sure these little helpers hold true to just about anywhere.

• Do make sure you have your ID ready at the door. Especially if you don't attend the club every Friday and Saturday, or if you don't have a pretty face or big boobs or if the bouncer is a complete idiot and doesn't remember you when you show up every Friday and Saturday.
• Don't complain to your friends at your table when you are NOT carded because you’re 30. Quite frankly all your friends will do is laugh at you because you’re old.
• Do make sure you hold on to your drinks tight when you’re going at it like Ricky Martin on the dance floor, especially if you’re sweating.
• Don't try and pick up your broken glass or bottle that you just dropped with all the other Ricky Martins going at it like Jim Carry with a frog down his pants. This may cause severe painless bleeding that won’t be perceived until you have a giant blood stain on your pants or your foot is wet and red.
• Don't make a face or comment if you’re a waitress and your customer is drinking a Pepsi instead of a beer. I’m sorry for upsetting you when I’m trying to be responsible. Clearly, what am I thinking?
• Do make sure you still tip your waitress after they throw a snide comment your way because you’re not drinking beer. This ensures that the flow of Pepsi will continue to be regenerated in your direction.
• Do make sure you wear underwear under your extremely high-cut mini skirt, especially if you plan on dancing. This ensures that, even though you’re slutty and high as a kite, you don’t end up showing off your privates to half the dance stage.
• Don't be hypocritical when it comes to whom you dance with. If you’re willing to dance with anything that has two legs but then as soon as no-underwear chick shows you her real hair color you get appalled, you can't leave her and go over to your friends and say, “Wow that’s just nasty!”
• Do be friendly with the band especially if they come to talk to you or if they ask you to sing into the mic while you’re on the dance floor.
• Don't yell requests at the top of your lungs in between songs from your table, especially when the songs you’re requesting are complete crap and no one wants to hear them, not even you.
• Do make sure to do some people watching and keep a smile on your face at all times. It will make you very approachable which is good if that's the kind of thing you're after.
• Don't be the creepy lone staring person that stands on the edge of the dance floor with their drink in hand, arms crossed just watching the whole night long as if pondering which person they are going to grab, abuse and then throw in the trunk of their car, or more likely the bed of their beat up pick-up.

So remember, the club scene can be a fun time. If you abide by these Do's and Don'ts you should never have a problem enjoying yourself. Now of course there will be memories you wish you didn't have from that evening, but then again, when are you not out with friends where you don't come away with wanting to not remember something? Oh yeah, the final Do: Do make sure you're with good friends and not ones that ditch you for the band, no matter how trashy and disgusting they may be (the band, not your friends, although I guess that could work for a friend too, but I doubt you'd be their friend if they were trashy and disgusting).