Thursday, November 01, 2007

Ever plan on going to a Penn State football game? I'm sure you have. But were you ever curious what to expect when you got there for the tailgate? Well be curious no longer. The Captain is back with his list of what to expect at a PSU tailgating extravaganza! Of course this comes from personal experience so any opinions and/or views that may conflict with yours is just tough. Suck it up and quit being a baby about it. Here it comes, in your face! It's Captain Jimmy's Top 10 Ways to Get Jiggy Tailgating at PSU.

10. Make sure you bring your earplugs because if all the generators aren't loud enough, the music from the amps that they are supplying power for will surely make you think Beethoven had flippin' dog-like hearing!

9. Forget your 6-pack of beer? No worries. Just walk up to some stranger's cooler and grab one for yourself and your friends. They'll be too drunk to care. If the strangers do happen to ask, just say you were looking for some shots. Oh, and if you say that, you'll be expected to do some.

8. Forget your crazy, drunk friends that you don't like to hang out with because they are crazy drunks? No worries. There are at least two every 20 feet.

7. You'll definitely want to make sure you brush up on your Flip Cup skills. Or maybe your Beer Pong skills. Okay, maybe just your drinking skills.

6. Three words, Dizzy Bat Relay. Race your friends (or complete strangers). Spin around a Wiffle bat 10 times with your head down, sprint 20 feet, down a cup of beer, sprint back, next in line goes! Oops. Wiffle bat break? No worries, now you can fill it up with beer and drink from it!

5. Don't ever, ever, ever wear the opposing team's colors. Unless of course you enjoy getting the finger and obscenities yelled at you no matter where you are. I hope you like hearing the F word!

4. Make sure you have plenty of gas in your tailgate vehicle. Not so much for while you're tailgating, but for when the game is over and you're attempting to leave the parking lot. If you're one of the lucky 10,000 that get stuck in the middle of the lot, you're looking at a minimum of 2 hours before getting the heck out of there. I hope you like the smell of exhaust and getting high!

3. If you have a small bladder, you might as well forget about going tailgating all together. After you wait in line for 45 minutes you'll have peed your pants twice and gone thru 3 beers. By the time you get in and out of the crap-filled portipottie, you might as well get back in the line so you don't wet yourself when you have to go again.

2. Are you an attractive chick looking for a nice guy? Are you an ugly chick looking for the love of your life? Are you a chick that's drunk off her crapper looking for a dude that's the same so you can make out? What's the difference? They're all the same when you're a drunk chick.

1. Don't bother bringing petty foods like bags of chips and pretzels. What will most likely happen is some drunk guy that you just met will end up tripping over himself at some point and come crashing down on the chips, or he may just deliberately jump on your bag of pretzels, because, well when you're drunk that's fun apparently. In fact you're much better off meeting sober people in the other parking lots and being invited to kick-a** food tents with all the hot dogs and sausage you could possibly dream of! If that doesn't get your juicy intestinal track gurgling and leaking, I don't know what will!

If you really want to have a fun time, just bring your fun hat and join in the festivities. It'll be an indescribable experience and if you ever embarrass yourself just remember; nobody else will likely remember. Oh yeah, don't forget to scream, "WE ARE! PENN STATE!" "Thank you!"

1 comment:

DMM said...

James - I love your little picture movie thingy in the corner of your blog - way cool.

I'm doing well and certainly miss all of you guys!! No one needed a girl at the Cove for vball so I'm out I guess. ;)